Fallen In The Rye.

Eency weency spider..climb up the..

Chemical Brothers - Bass Test:
The toilet became a club, red velvet walls. Stadium stairs. I feel like Holden if he were put in a strip club.

Tension - Our story:
Wahlau, I was in a music video. One of those girls sitting on the plains, with a faggot nearby gathering flowers for me. Weird. But for a moment, just a split second, I felt loved.

Led Zeppelin - The Immigrant Song
I'm back in my childhood. I'm a rebel. High school love is for saps. Anyone who isn't rock n' roll is gross. I'm in a perpetual mosh pit. I don't want to leave.

Why do I have to grow up?
Jon, we shared lunches when we were 7 (haha i doubt it), art supplies when we were 10, philosophies when we were 13, guitar riffs at 15 and music for the rest of our lives.
En, when we met you were the drummer boy. And I think you're hotter than Travis aight! Sparta. The Strokes. Thursday. So many inspirations, too little time.
Gene, skateboarding was such a passion. Skipping tuition classes, taking the money, buying 2 CDs a month was enough to satisfy our thrist for punk&rock. Your mermaid green hair still gives me nightmares till today. Blink 182 before they sold out was our muse. We slept with Dude Ranch under our pillows. Now the Misfits just seems kinda far.

I'm in another world, boys. And you watched as this process took its toll on me. I still remember some of what was said when it first begun,

"You go clubbing?! You hate clubbing! What happened to underground gigs?"
"You wore a skirt? Seriously?! SHIT that I gotta see."
"You can walk in high heels??"

Sorry boys, about the gigs, the local music scene is selling out. It's not about the music anymore, its about their faces in magazines and fancy boyish drinks they hold in their hand. The last CD I bought was both The Thrills' albums. I've stopped looking out for new shit. I'd much rather pick out an old album from my stack and listen with my eyes open wide under my black covers.

I want to go back to a time where I didn't need Mr.X to keep my happy, Mr.Pdr to help me dream, Mr.V to put me to sleep. All the misters in my life, can't amount to the one I really need.

I'm Sprung by Thunderstone.

I’m back. That was a short trip with my dad cracking me up the whole time. He turned everything into a joke, some sharp the rest tasteless.

So I got back in time for Ferry Corsten, Tyler picked me up and he played the role of the bait in order to lure Mel to Zouk so that I can surprise her, Arthur and Thomas (Kim’s babyboy). But before they were there I was with my technicolor friends, *woohoo! :P


That's Eve, and Perry in the Christmas Hat, Me (eeyer) and Tyler!

I was so excited to suprise Mel, we were all betting on how loud she was gonna scream and jump when she sees me. Hook, line but no sinker, Eve accidentally told her that I was back. Teehee. My cousin Edwin came back from Melbourne too and this is our very first time sitting together, our eyes lacking focus and our minds on the edge. Shamim was with him. I haven't seen him in 3 years! Shamim used to sing for a band I hung out with pretty often back during high school times, Angst. Since then both him and Arthur has switched to a few different bands. Shamim still going strong in the scene.

Arthur, Me, my cousin Edwin, Shamim.

I was happily being fed candy and the night turned out awesome.The rest left before I did while I stayed back with Mel, Edwin and the rest. I finally got to meet Thomas, Kim has been telling me so much about him especially how she thinks we'll get along really well. Thomas said "I feel like I've known you, Mel and Rachel for a long time. Kim talks about you guys so often." AWWW, woman, I melted. Come back from Ipoh quick. Mambo on Wednesday :P

Me, Mel and Thomas.

From 3.30am onwards, the journey was technicolor, topsy turvy and I got to be Alice in Wonderland for more than half an hour.

Lo and Behold, the Aftermath.

Shit.

Shiny rock.

Seen you smile, watched you cry, broke your fall, cried with you and for you. Miriam, you and I had been through all the weirdest phases in our teenage life. Climbing trees to blowing giant bubbles. Especially you grabbing the big giant blower from the 5-year old kid, *tsktsk. When I think of it, it felt like yesterday. But when it comes down to it, it's been a long time since we've spent real time together, so long ago that digital cameras weren't around

Anyway,
Lisa is getting married!! I read her e-mail and cried for a full minute! I was stunned, then I screamed into Joyce's ear and she looked at me in suprise and saw that my face had tars streaming down and she blinked, "I knew you were gonna lose it someday." Stupid girl -_-
Lisa's my age, and we grew up together so it is the coolest thing ever! She's insanely happy, the wedding's next december in Perth. He proposed over the weekend. She is engaged. Wow, to her first boyfriend ever no less.

There was this time where Miriam developed an obsession for manual cameras and astrology, not in sync thank goodness :P and Lisa and I felt a little out of place. We were always making trips to photoshops, to scenic spots, and we watched the night sky A LOT. "Stel, we're so..passion-less. I mean we have our music and guitars but so does Miriam. We need to be passionate about something!" Lisa said. We came up with so many: finger-painting, writing songs, jumping on her cushy bed, eating 20 nuggets each. Most of them stuck :D
I guess now her passion is life.

Still can't believe it. She's engaged!!

I wanna push you around.

Few of my closer friends has mentioned that I've always fallen for the wrong guys. Actually, they feel strongly that its the age of my exes that caused the conflicts. I, however have always felt that maturity is unreliable. Maturity lacks flexibility and I have always been bent. Someday my back will break. I hum the Toys R' Us tune often, because it starts with "I don't wanna grow up." I have always loved Peter Pan. Innocence is such an asset. I love children. Their simplicity attracts me into another dimension.

I don't have a type, really I don't. I don't have a type that I go for. But I do have a type I won't.
Example, if he asks "So are you the type of girl who likes guys with fast cars?"
Out.

"Maybe you're too intense for this world."
Maybe. It would have been a yes except it sounded as if he is suggesting that I kill myself.

They were adding up, these "friends" of mine. The one who helps me forget that I've been waiting. The other which helps me stay artificially sublime for days. Another who teaches me not to care about anything at all. Maybe one more who helps loosen the heartstrings. Whatever it is, they help me pass the time and avert a greater danger. I used to wake up afraid that I'm gonna live. Last night I stayed awake afraid that I might feel that way again. Which means, that I probably don't anymore. But everyone has left and gone on without me. And with their absence the platitudes are bearable somehow, I've either gotten accustomed to them, or I've developed a tolerance for petty bullshit.

Damn it, I need to be Svengali enough to control my emotions. I can't constantly anticipate the plummet, be stripped bare and be less than I had before. I need to be less of a calculative cow. In one of my previous entries, a long time ago in another blog life, I wrote of the eternal dance inspired by C.S Lewis. Rachel said to me once "When you're spinning in circles, it doesn't stop. Call me." The only way to stop spinning is to fall short and bruise some body part. It's impossible to leave unscathed. How do they do it..

PS: Gonna smack Tyler, soooo many disgusting pictures on his Flicker which is on his blog! Mel is gonna freak!

One breath.

Everyone here embraces a healthy lifestyle. And yes, I’m saying it like it’s a bad thing. I mean, really really healthy lifestyle. They shun red meat and alcohol, sake not included. Smoking is out, obviously. They ride their bikes to work in the name of cardiovascular health and taut muscles. Cookies actually go untouched! I, on the other hand, eat what I like and have the weight to prove it. I smoke like a chimney (as they would say) both the legal and illegal substance as often as I could and naturally these “lifestyle” habits wouldn’t sit too well with the family here if they were to find out. I’ve resorted to smoking on the beach by the area where the same three men cook their fish over a suspicious looking bonfire four times a day because no one else goes there and these men seem detached enough not to report to my home. Also because the pungent smell of the burning fish not only keep people away, it is acrid enough to mask any smell from the cigarettes. Only problem is, I come home smelling like I’ve been at the fish market while it was going up in flames.
So I came up with another hair-brained idea, a much simpler one. I know, the first one was a little too obtuse, even for my standards. I smoked in the toilet- and set off the fire-alarm.
This led to me confessing to my mom that I have yet to quit my disgusting habit and in turn that led to her inspecting the contents of my bag to find an assortment of pills which definitely looked suspect at first glance, then finding out that they are painkillers and anti-depressants which she had me put on 4 months ago. She rifled through my name cards and looked up at me to say “You’re too old to still like all this tattooing nonsense. No more, please. You’re a hippie.” Oh ma, if you only knew what a hippie really was and what they did stood for.
My skin has been peeling due to the cold and the wind. Most visible on my face, and ma decided to introduce me to this wonder they call “moisturizer”. I dabbed a little on and DAMN IT does it hurt like a bitch. Long story short, she paid me rm50 to rub it all over my face. I literally cried, it was painful on the skin and smelt like moldy peas. I would have made a small fortune if I kept it up but I could only last 6 hours. I refused to put any more of that poisonous gunk on my face and therefore as I’m typing this, my sister is taunting me with “Baboon backside-face” while dancing around me. Yup, wind-burnt. My face is all red!
At a so-called potluck with my prissy and equally health-conscious cousins, I sat and solemnly ate the skin off several pieces of fried chicken, carefully striping off the meat with a knife and fork and daintily drinking Mountain Dew. No one was too pleased, but I’ll bet at least some of them at the table would secretly trade their revolting puffer fish thingy and puny grapes for my oil-ridden chicken. The only reason why I've gone to such lenghts to annoy the people around me is that I am upset. I want to go home. PJ is my home.

I’ve been irritable. This ordeal is bringing out the worst in me; thinking of it puts me in the mood for some needless violence. Thank goodness Ray and Mel has been pining for me to come home everyday :P muahahaha. I feel much better knowing that I'm missed. Those two can't do without me. Tsktsk.

Oh and about Zoukout, it was fun. Err albeit certain moments I could do without, still fun. Would probably blog about it when I'm in the mood.

Few pictures I don't remember taking at Mambo week before last, I was pretty smashed:

Whose thumb is that??

O my, thank goodness I don't remember this one. I would have died cringing. What the hell!! One is counting the minutes till I'm home, the other one is begging for me to come home. Boy do I feel loved, I should be away more often.

Sing-a-pore?

Kim's washing her face in my bathroom as I'm tapping away here.
Rachel is driving, on her way here.
Mel and Jamie probably double-checking everything with each other.
Mun Fye would be loading more shit onto his laptop.
Arthur..hm..had better be with Rachel by now.
I have..not packed. Well not really, but almost.
I'm just lazy.

Oh shit! Mun Fye's here.
What the hell, where's he gonna leave his car?

Okay, bye.

Jigsaw pieces.

I look terrible in that picture. And it's not just the fringe. Mel's fault for being away while I needed a haircut. I knew it was gonna turn out looking like this: like I have a cauliflower (is that how you spell it?) jutting out from my forehead.
Yes, when I wear any sort of hat I'd look like some sort of.. pastry. And when I get my haircut I'm a duplicate of some vegetable or another.
Oh oops, sorry about the detour. Kim is back!!! When we met we banged into each other in this kung-fu hug and she hurt her shoulder a little. *heh, I can be rough sometimes.
Mel is home too! She actually called me on Monday night and I answered the phone going "You're back!! You're back!!" and she said "Wah your reaction ar..eh mahai I read your blog."
Sigh, a libel suit against me. Correction: Mel is NOT good at telling me what to do, but she does it anyway.
HAHAHA. Okay. I'm bored therefore I'm nuts. The committee had our meeting just now at Charms, The Curve. *ahem. It's mapped out.

The Zoukout/Road Trip to JB Committee:
Hotel Rooms: Rachel and Jamie.
Finances: Mel. (Habis-la, we're talking about a Tai-tai in making here)
Communication (walkie talkies, handphones etc): Kim and Suet Yeng:P
Entertainment: The Men. They are both born that way.

You know what I got stuck with? As usual for EVERY trip?
The music[The official "CD burner"] and.. FOOD. Thanks ar..talk about an ego-boost.
The shit part is, whatever music I bring along, everyone is going to hate it, except for Rachel but because she's the unofficial chairwoman she gets to tell me to do it, and I get to bask in the death glares and groaning from everyone else. The Spill Canvas and Eisley here I come. I'm tempted to bring my Nirvana boxed set along for the ride but I don't want it ruined and no one else would appreciate it anyway, not even Rachel :( I'm bringing The Strokes though, even if we don't listen to it, knowing that the cds are around is comfort enough, just in case I have a panic attack or something.
Though I was told, some trance for Arthur please. So I came online and downloaded everything from Warp Brothers and ATB. Uh..the only 2 err.. groups? bands? anyway, which I was exposed to when living with Nerd. Fingers crossed its the right type of trance, goodness it sounds quite.. intimidating.

So, 6 of us girls and 2 of them boys.
I.can't.wait.

I'm gonna miss Kong and Heng :(
And I was gonna say that I would miss Max too but he's currently flooding our MSN chat window with BAPE merchandise. Man he's a shopaholic. So much so I feel quite the "manly" compred to him o_O

Playing Favourites.

Rachel[Hobbes] is back. While she was away she would say,
"Hell isn't the same without you."
And I, "When you're back it'd be Christmas-time in Hell again!"
But now that geography isn't a setback anymore, I feel that neither of us were correct. Instead it feels like Hannukah, it's a celebration of some sort only we're not involved.
Anyway, her presence brings tinsel and toilet paper.



Mel is in Bangkok. She left on Thursday and will be back on Tuesday. I didn't expect to, but I miss her more than I imagined I would..already! Like today I wanted to get my hair cut, but then I felt as if I really needed her opinion. She's good at telling me what to do! Also because Rachel's ideas for haircuts has been a little too wild for me lately *nyeh. It's true ray.


Ah Heng on the left and Ah Kong on the right. I love them to bits. I have never felt more pampered or safe ever. It's like being handed a lollipop every hour on the hour. They tolerate me. I got them drunk by winning at "chor tai ti" every round, they had to finish a whole bottle in an hour. They come with me to Ghetto Heaven and even though they can't "layan" they sway around with me anyway. And ooh, best part yet, they feed me!


Max isn't just the quietest member of KOF haha, he's my male GH partner. When I get tired and sweaty from dancing, Max is right by my side people-watching and head-bobbing. When I get elbowed in the gut or is getting smothered in the crowd, its Max to the rescue! He has this radar where he reaches in and yanks me to his side. His phone calls always comes at the right time and it never fails to make me feel like having some cotton candy, I don't know why o_O

I haven't seen Alex in a month. So tonight we went for ice-cream. He came in to say hello to my parents, to their delight. And when I got into his car, I felt..choked up somehow. For a split second, I felt like crying. He has this effect on me. The one person who always has my best interests at heart, even if it meant my wrath he'd say whatever it is to hinder me from dreading another tomorrow.


There are so many more. You guys know who you are. *xoxo*

Ever the activist, no?

Someone told me the other day that my entries seem to lack substance compared to my past entries in my previous blog. Hobbes herself said "Stel, you sound like a bimbo!" and she has never been audacious enough to say that (to my face anyway) before, prior to this little transformation. I have no idea what this really means as my purging feels the same. However there has been change in my current life(style). Let's just say I've loosened up and am no longer hold to a fault my stance that I am a pacifist who at the same time is not anti-war (anyone who has a problem with my "semantics" on this one, let me know). I refrain from lecturing friends who pay Mobil for their petrol, and I curse much less at those seen sporting Nike merchandise. I am okay with having McDonalds, once in a blue moon and 3 months back I actually ordered a Coke when that was all they had apart from Pepsi. I have completely stopped glaring at patrons of Starbucks since I find myself actually removing bills from my wallet and hanging it over to "they who exploit third world labor and put on the market unfair trade coffee" for a bottle of Nantucket juice. I don't despise hiphop as I used to because it lacks guitar riffs and its' lyrics are basically a narrative of anything sex, money, sex, material possessions, sex, cheap hos', even more despicable men, sex and the occasional Gucci hat; I dance to it every Thursday.

I was labelled a radical o_O yea, I know right? (har-har) but I've devolved into a borderline conformist. My actions have ceased to require ludicrous article reading. I have learnt to "play ignorant" and keep my mouth shut. My conscience still bugs me out sometimes and I can't help kicking myself for being such a sheep but I've been frigid in the past and its time to goddamn breathe.

A couple of hours ago I was having coffee at Seri Angkasa, KL Tower after dinner at Bon Ton (yummmm) when there was a display of big-boom fireworks. I love fireworks. We sat there entralled, quiet, staring for what seemed to be 15 whole minutes and when it ended, we looked around at each other, "Looks like we came on the right day", "Yeah, what a treat. That was so cool!", smiling around when I felt it coming. My smile twitched. I suppressed it for a good 8 seconds when I spat it out, quiteee involuntarily *smirk, faintly but steadily,

"Now all we have to worry about is the emission of that sulphur dioxide into our atmosphere and risk respiratory tract infections *pause especially on newborn infants"
Fuck. I ruined it.

See I really should have said, "I love fireworks, only not in theory."

Lean back, le- oops.

I'm pretty sure there will be many entries about the eventful night last night at Zouk, the raid at Ghetto Heaven. Mel and I were on our way to the ladies when I got a msg from Kong "Got rush, get out now." Then Mel turned over and said "I think there's gonna be a raid, all the younger kids are rushing out." But we were both skeptical so we kept walking and then I got another msg from Tyler "Sweets, raid before 2am, letting you know in case you've been naughty." In about 15 minutes, the lights were on and the music off. Shucks, clever la..dowan to listen.

I quickly took Mel's hand and led her upstairs to use the staff entrance to the office. To no avail: cops were at that exit. So we sat down and put the digital cam to good use. Got a msg from Terence "There are cops at the DJ conslose, shit! Stay calm! I mean it, stay calm." Sheesh what makes people think I won't be calm. I was as cool as ice. I got msgs throughout the night along the lines of "Throw anything you have away. Seriously, no joke." -_- Dowan.

Mel and I got fed up of waiting so we went up to the narcotics (woohoo narcotics wei not funny hehe) and volunteered to have our urine tested so that we could get out. So we happily got tested and walked out. Wah, its like a party I tell you. Jourdang came in his shirt and bermudas to "check the scene out". Ah Heng was munching on his hot dog watching people get pummeled on the ground for trying to escape. What a reunion. KOF was pissed off, they didn't get to "drop it like it's hot." And Terry, drunk as he was, sprouting nonsense at the top of his lungs. Didn't help that I was the designated driver of the night.
I was laughing all night thinking of what Mel told me about another raid. Michelle was telling her that there were transexuals asking the police "Bang bang, saya pergi mana bang!" when they asked the crowd to split into men and women. They were all jittery, looking left and right, not sure where they belong. HAHAHAHA. I'm gonna burn in hell for this one.
Apparently there was a girl handcuffed and locked in one of the toilet cubicles for drug abuse o_O yerr..

Ladida.. we'll "ganti ghetto" this saturday at The Loft@Zouk :D

I'm tall. You're just taller than I am.

I'm trying to recall the past weeks. All I can gather are fragmented pieces of memories here and there and most of them seem to revolve around Zouk. I don't work there anymore, and that place is still a magnet *whoop whoop.

Although there was one Friday night where I wasn't on the dance floor, or anywhere near it, or anywhere where I could see it, at all. We were happily camping out in the DJ Room listening to Jason[DJ Fono] and I was bombarding Alvin[DJ Goldfish] with useful infomation (to me it is) on rock n' roll, heavy metal and punk because he asked, though he actually only asked a few I yakked away for more than half an hour. Then I moved on to annoying him with stupid questions which he answered while smothering giggles until..

[tripping]stel: eh eh then what inspired you to be a hip-hop dj?
*whips around, stares at me one kind
[sacarstic & sober]alvin: eh eh when did you become a journalist? whats this, an interview?
[tripping]stel: wahlau then dowan to ask lo! *sulks.


Elaine laughed. But I didn't appreciate it. They looked at each other and exchanged amused glances. I refuse to be treated like a kid.





Jie ar..I'm telling you, see I patiently layan you take all this crazy "kawaii (*shudders)" pictures all, you gotta try harder at bringing this bullying to a halt!



Like it isn't bad enough Terence[C] says "Kids nows-a-days..*sigh" every single time he sees me. He'll say it a few times on repeat some more, staring me down -_-

:: Look at this picture and tell me who's the kid.




After Zouk we went to Leonard[T]'s condo to chill and as usual, he wanted to take photos. Okay, take. But when he played it back he looked at it and said "Wah! Why is your head so small?? My head looks so big next to yours wei!" -_- Ever since then, every time we take pictures he'll "Ah your head gotta move forward a bit then both our heads will turn out the same size" o_O Really one, something wrong. Elaine again happily laugh along, whatever happened to sisterhood and all that huh you tell me?


Eve, Tyler, Elle, Perry, Jia Wei, Gerald and I were standing on the dinky-teeny 2-flight stair at the dance floor for John Digweed when a cam was whipped out and lo and behold, the unleashing of the camwhores. But someone quite "potong stim" lo. Cause to be able to capture an image with everyone's face in it (mine included), there are 3 options.
1. The photographer has to back up an extra 3 feet (at least) and so packed, where got space.
2. Everyone else but me, bend lower. But then they look ridiculous and vice versa.
3. I stand on the top stair and everyone else on the floor. (Thanks Jia Wei)

ANGRY OKAY. See.

That's with with a 12-inch advantage okay. Stupid 6 footers.

Eve happily jumped on the "Stel-is-short-embarrass-her-with-photographic-evidence!" bandwagon.

Jason[DJ Fono] makes funny faces with/at me sometimes. That's okay. But pinching my cheeks isn't.

*Tada!* Hoe Yin[DJ Blink] I like. Cause we almost same height :P Nyahaha. Until, he said he sometimes feel like he's hanging out with his sister's crew (Hoe Yee) when I'm around. Just cause we used to make a lot of noise in the house and do..stupid..kiddy..things -_-

It's times like this I really miss the PD Rave where its:

Equal opportunity.

Mel&Jamie[The Twins] are the best!

Membrane & Ghetto Heaven.

I used to think I'm crazy, extremely crazy. I thought that if I even looked away for a few minutes, he would be gone. But I was right, he's gone. But he left even while I was peering over the treetops. I hovered somewhere on a spectrum between a painful state of anxiety and an even more painful state of despair.
Promises, people make them all the time. And then they break them, just as many times as they've made them. When you say to someone "I love you" you absolutely mean it at the time but things change. But the assumption is that they lied, but they didn't, they meant it at the time they just didn't know to what degree. Logically, I understood this and took it to heart.

But I can't accept this idea wholeheartedly, because it is simply spurious. When I was dealing with my unhappiness, I always had a bipartite understanding of what was happening to me. I felt that for me, personally, I was in Hell; my pain as acute as third degree cancer cells on a dying body. But I see, not look. I've read and revised books on the Holocaust, the children who suffered under the dictatorship of Pol Pot, people starving in Sudan- but there is no comparison to be made because you can only live your own experience and for me, my life was in pretty bad shape. I used to think I had perspective, that I could be onto anyone and not be a fool. But what if I still am living in my own bubble where I only live my own experience? I will never escape.
So I find I could never again completely succumb to anything remotely sturdy because the assurance itself would drive me crazy; I kept my eye on every next thing which could hurt, right down to a Ribena bottled drink. The potential a choice of beverage had to hurt, summarizes my whole problem; its pandemic. SoI let it all go, of all I've collected because I fell for someone whom I knew I could not read and that mystery kept me going, I was convinced it was a fairy-tale. Till I fell hard on my ass, with my heart on the ashphalt that I realized he was human too. Pain is an intrinsic part of our existence, we cause pain and experience pain from the moment of our birth and here and there, left or right, many of us die in pain.
Dr. Armand M. Nicholi Jr and I see eye to eye on this: that the awareness of our mortality causes pain because what we us humans need most is permanence and our most pervasive fear is separation from the ones we love. Which at the end of the day, is irony and contradiction tossed like a salad, callously and carelessly. So why analyse? Why weigh options? Why ask IF?

I do what I do, like remember the people around the world who holds the pieces of my heart while I dance every Thursday with some who can keep a smile on my face for the night because they fill the lacuna between who I am and who I want to be; between what I think and what I want to feel. Despite all the pain I'm speaking of, I have experienced freedom from them but so far they have been much too brief. Hence when I am completely free, it has to be absolute. And that leads to pre-conceived ideas and judgments made for me which unfortunately is unavoidable. So I guess what I am really trying to say is that, math and science cannot go hand in hand because all the calculations in the world cannot equate the biology of the human heart, the chemisty between two pulsating persons, nor the physics of the mind movement.

But I'd like to pay tribute to the 3 to 4 hours of any week where I have complete freedom without having Rachel or Melanie playing the tourniquet to my soul.
Firstly,
DJ Goldfish aka Alvin Teoh:
provides the beats to my "freedom"
and Jung, the movements.


From left: Gary, Kin, Stephen, Terry and Max. My sense of belonging.




And she who without with, none would be possible, LaineJie.

I realize I could be stretching it a little, but here's all honesty and therefore yes, I am not sober at this very moment.

polygraph, not now!

Last night I made the funniest discovery. Actually, those two words shouldn't go together but that's the more accurate phrase albeit slightly off beam.
Jon is back here in Malaysia, just a stopover for a couple of days while he and his band tour South East Asia. So Jon, Khai Lee and I were telling stories of concerts and gigs we've been to or heard of around the world and then Khai Lee goes "Hey, there's this music festival, and the whole gig is on an island!" and Jon replies "What? Zoukfest? On Sentosa?", trying not to laugh.
I looked over at Khai Lee and he had confused plastered over his forehead.
I couldn't help but burst out in laughter.

Okay. You had to be there la.

The thing is, I realized at that moment, how I really do have each leg in separate worlds. No wonder I'm not walking a straight road.

Counter-productive.

I think I might be suffering from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) the past 3 days. I simply cannot sit still and concentrate on the abundance of work I have on my plate.
On Monday I had my advertising presentation which came off much better than expected so that's one burden of my shoulders and when I got home to my apartment, Hee Jung suggested we watch "A moment to remember" which was supposed to be a definite tearjerker but heartless ol me didn't shed a tear; I was probably trying too hard.
I can't remember much after this as Jane and Adil got home while I was watching Herbie Fully Loaded (thank goodness) and all I do remember now is, cooking 'ginger mi suah' with Jane and eating it Tuesday night, Wednesday evening, Wednesday late evening, Wednesday night, Wednesday late night and Wednesday dawn; those meals made me feel extremely Asian and grown-up. C'mon, we recycled the soup over and over, adding more water, pepper, salt and soya sauce. We'd left the chicken bones in there for flavor but the previous ingredients have mostly disintegrated: a display of our survival instincts. I remember watching "A moment to remember" again and fell asleep halfway, I woke up at 4am and Jane and I watched some Stephen Chow movie while eating sandwiches with luncheon meat, sausages and cheese and then fell asleep at dawn, next thing I knew I woke up a few hours later having a panic attack for missing my deadlines.

Actually, I'm still panicking. But I just can't concentrate. It's pointless. I hate being behind, it demotivates me. My week here has been fruitless so far and I still want to continue to be unproductive. Though I've just made sandwiches with sausages and luncheon meat. Habis-la I'm gonna die of high cholestrol and lung cancer.
I currently have 2 laptops switched on and the one which I am using to write my essay is idle. I should really prioritize better, or at all.

Just a number.

So, I had a good weekend despite coming down with the blues on Friday. I had wrenched myself in an obscure position between paralysis and misery but come the am, the gang tried to suprise me with a cake and beers but the tables were turned. 20 minutes before they arrived, I stuck a sign on my front door which said “You are horrible liars.” Their moans and groans were pure joy.




The weekend was scattered with trips around town, lunch at Bon Ton’s, a dinner at La Bodega where we binged followed by a whole lot of liquor at Poppy Garden Saturday night, and unusually good company Sunday night. I’m pretty sure I got more than I deserved.




Lo and behold the weekend is over and I’m back to reality in Camp Boredom where I have 3 presentations scheduled this week. *whimpers.

Pharmacia&Upjohn.

I'm not sure if I'm secretly a guinea pig for P&U, linked to some intricate Russian top-secret mental research. I've switched 3 different types of benzodiazepines. Today I was prescribed Somese, a diazepam. Up to date, I have a small collection of teesy pills. I had stopped taking them though I do go for the "check-ups", to humor my parents.
Before, these pills were fused to me. The first pill was hook line and sinker and from there on we shared one long symbiotic breath, but this is no longer the case. With the pills in my bag, I feel like a kid who has been given too much candy for her own good.

I can't wait to watch Melinda&Melinda. It's a film by Woody Allen. But the DVD is with Khai Lee. What if he swallows it?! Or eats off the CD?? Really, these days I'm feeling more at home. When Rachel gets home, it'll be Christmas time in hell again.

Marvelous Things.

That's the title of a song by a band I discovered recently. The joy of resting facedown on a thin pillow while songs of theirs saunters through the atmosphere is dark and magical; much like the woods of The little red riding hood. The best yet ever since The Spill Canvas.
My latest addiction: Eisley. Highly recommended.
Room Noises, the only album so far. But they've got a couple of EPs out as well.



My dad and I were in the car and he piped up "You know what I did to Joyce this morning?" he snickers "I opened the door and asked 'Joyce are you sleeping?' and she said 'yes', so I said "then how come you can answer me". Apparently, he then quickly closed the door and laughed all the way downstairs. I think we can see how I got to become the way I am today.
Joyce, my sister, told me that the family was at a dinner thingy and the adults were discussing the 2nd PHD of one of my moms' friends and the "initials" she could have on her name card next. The uncle next to Joyce nudged her and went, "Don't worry, your mother has one too. It's CSSKLKK." "What does that stand for? Why so long one?!"

-_- "Ching Sui Sui, Kia Lai Kia Kh-e"
direct translation : "Wear nice nice, walk here walk there."

Oh, he with the beautiful mind, unfortunately can't read minds (*uh-hyuk), otherwise he wouldn't end up:

Buffy the Heartstrings Player.

Really now, I walked outside to get something to drink and caught a glimspe of my JD Salinger's Franny and Zoey on the floor drenched in sticky yellow liquid. Buffy.. -_-
My heart literally constricted. That dog-eared book is irreplacable. Many lessons were taught in those pages.

Evil gay-dog with a hidden agenda. You know, Jane bought him two shirts, that pink one he's wearing and an army tank top. He always chooses the pink one. Therefore, still being politically correct; he's a bitch. But somethings and some people, you can't help but love. Same goes for Buffy, and the bitch who broke my heart. Oops, my bitterness is beginning to seep into cyberspace.

Said love wasn't worth the pain, but then I hear it call my name.

A few months ago I wrote:
There are few things which are quite as beautiful as an inside joke; shared between two people who possibly are the only ones who truly understand the significance of a glance or a word which could trigger all sorts of pretty disasters. I still trip in nervousness when his arm reaches out to pull me closer, ending my miniature fairy-tale with a kiss on my head.But the true beauty would lie in the diffusion of such actions. Up till some friends had mentioned it, I thought I was the only one who recognized intimacy when he yanked on my hair.

Moments when I allow myself to have that sentimental leap in his memory, I want to tear my hair out. The irony. One line of "I can't do this to you anymore" left me flat-out fucked. I was what you'd call, a complete wreck.

This was my car the last night we were together. This was before my heart was ripped apart at the seams, soaked in gasoline and set on fire. Imagine how I felt after. Much worse than this. Even a picture, which couldusually beat a thousand words, wouldn't be able to give anyone much of an inkling.

A downer.

On the left, we have Hee Jung. That's me in the middle and on the other side, I give you, Jane. Currently, we live together, hence, we are housemates. That's for pointing out the obvious and for redundancy's sake because I can be a retard, ask anyone. Apart from bringing Buffy, Jane's dog, out for walks, cleaning our rooms and singing along to James Blunt (Jane and I anyway; as HJ is the hiphop queen), we also cook. And therefore, we are chefs in disguise!

This evening's masterpieces:

Minced Beef with onions and potatoes. Other than the customary salt and pepper, Jane added honey to her soon-to-be famous dish.

Chicken curry with potatoes, duh. The secret compenent here is, a teeny bit of my spit because Jane said something ridiculous while I was adding the coconut milk. But hey it turned out to be the highlight of the feast, no offence Jane. Err I love you? :P

And Hee Jung happened to be our celebrated washer-woman of the evening. She forgot to capture the images of the dishes after she was done with them. My my, as if diamonds lined them! And there you have it, with the presence of plate-licking delicacies, the evening was of course perfect.

Later in the night though, I discovered that in the midst of writing my journal article review this morning, I decided to transfer my files from Hee Jung’s thumb drive into mine. Being the clever girl I thought I was, I CUT and paste. I happened to be listening to a song on the thumb drive so the files didn’t transfer right. And soooo, being the bright bright girl that I am, I deleted the entire folder so I could transfer it all over again.
Help, thumb drives doesn’t come with Recycle Bins. 5 of my individual assignments, 2 of my group projects and 36 files of research (that’s to say the least), evaporated into digital atmosphere.
I didn’t figure this out up till 2 hours ago. I want to cry, 2 of those assignments are due tomorrow afternoon. I finished them 2 nights ago. That’s for coming home drunk at almost 5am and writing reviews till 8 in the am. I’m so upset I want to shave my head.

Ladies who lunch.

Yes, Rachel, Kim and Melanie has been the only bridges never burnt, always sturdy. And even if it takes all that I've got to preserve the harnass, I'd do it to my very last breath.
But I've made a few additions. It's recently built, but I'm pretty sure these ones will prove to be durable. There is one, however, where I played Pyro and burnt quite a few times but it bounced back. See Mun, you can be a real idiot at times but birds of a feather flock together.



See Mun and I at Mambo. She looks like a cat. I look like, yoh I dont even want to talk about it.








The HipHop Queen, watch her footwork when Eve's I got what you need comes on, highway to headache. My ghetto partner.









Debbie goes both ways. Really one.
I'm pissed. I don't have a picture with the new Rachel.
But here's a picture of all the new chicks in my life. 'Girlfriends!' (Shoot me please)

Like I said, birds of a feather..

Retardssssss, Unite!

They make me want to break out in church hymms, "Forever and ever, amen!"

What aversion?

I have an embarrassing confession. I actually enjoy answering those dumb Friendster surveys. I tried one today, in search of a distraction. I couldn't answer anything. Name two favourite hangouts, I don't have any. Name two favourite vacation spots, I don't know any. Name two favourite shoes brands and that was the last straw. I don't like anything anymore. I try and I try. To have a semblence of a life, to swallow normality. I don't want anything but to be happy and yet the things that gives me the reverse hands me peversity instead. It's sick. It's not even a cycle, it's an upward downhill. My friends would think that I did drugs or swallow anti-depressants because I'm self-destructive. But I'm really averting a greater danger. I don't like my life now but for some dumb reason I want to be alive. And these little chemicals ensures an escape. And pretty soon it's an art. A ritual. Swallowing is boring, so I cut them up, grind them under a spoon and snort it up. The peverse joy I receive from it does scare me but fear is familiar. Comforting even.

You think being dependant on these "escapes" suck? Try cutting them off.