Wednesday, September 28, 2005

What aversion?


I have an embarrassing confession. I actually enjoy answering those dumb Friendster surveys. I tried one today, in search of a distraction. I couldn't answer anything. Name two favourite hangouts, I don't have any. Name two favourite vacation spots, I don't know any. Name two favourite shoes brands and that was the last straw. I don't like anything anymore. I try and I try. To have a semblence of a life, to swallow normality. I don't want anything but to be happy and yet the things that gives me the reverse hands me peversity instead. It's sick. It's not even a cycle, it's an upward downhill. My friends would think that I did drugs or swallow anti-depressants because I'm self-destructive. But I'm really averting a greater danger. I don't like my life now but for some dumb reason I want to be alive. And these little chemicals ensures an escape. And pretty soon it's an art. A ritual. Swallowing is boring, so I cut them up, grind them under a spoon and snort it up. The peverse joy I receive from it does scare me but fear is familiar. Comforting even.

You think being dependant on these "escapes" suck? Try cutting them off.

7 comments:

kimfluttersby said...

isn't it contradicting? to depend on those substances to keep you away from all those unwanted emotions at that moment. what happens if you don't take any? suck in all the pain? and to think there is no danger in staying away from 'it'... greater danger awaits. (like what i told u)..

Stella said...

actually, that really is what happened. but thing is, those substances contributed physically. so now that i'm not taking any, i not only have to cope emotionally, i'm coping with the trembling hands, yada yada and thats become a distraction too! so it all turned out for the best.

wow i almost convinced myself.

kim said...

I LOVE MY STELLA WOOT!

Stella said...

ooh kimbly i love you too! you psycho ;P

yiliang said...

Welcome back, Stella.
Have missed you blogging online!

Stella said...

thanks yi liang. my entries could always use "puns" and distortions whenever you please. ha-ha.

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