Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Listen carefully.

Unlike most of my friends, I'm not one of those who gets invitations to lush parties or have appointments with different friends to "do lunch" or have engagements at this event or the other. There are only a handful of people I do spend time with and they are usually the same people. I rarely feel obligated to meet someone just because we were friends once upon a time. I only meet the friends who I really want to meet because I enjoy their company or if they need me, never out of courtesy. And the last reason I'd have to go frolicking around with acquaintances is to expand my "contacts" or broaden my circle of friends because I don't need to. I don't like meeting strangers unless they are good friends of already close friends. If that isn't the case, leave me out of it. I'm fine not being able to walk around the mall waving to every 10th person I see thanks.
I have more than enough great friends in my life and I really could not ask for more.
Therefore I basically live my life on my own time. But that does not make my time disposable to everyone else.

But just because I don't whine about how "I don't have the time" because I stuck several obligations up my ass doesn't mean my time is dispensable.


10 minutes ago I crowned myself "SuperGirlfriend" with a silver sash which says "Multiple O's" (O for Obligations which are pleasurable of course bearing in mind I'm talking about Rachel and Melanie). Wow Stel's growing up.
So I sat on my couch in my hall with my laptop placed coincidentally, on my lap and in my left hand I was holding my handphone to my ear chatting to Mel about her farewell party as well as other "not-so-trivial" matters in English laced with Cantonese catchphrases. My right hand was typing out the translations from a playing Mandarin song to English words for Ray on MSN as both my eyes scan the Han Yu Pin Yin (Mandarin characters in alphabets) in the window alongside the MSN's. Plus, I relayed a few messages back and forth.

I did this all simultaneously while eyeing my sister's desktop to check if she was working on my new layout.
For those who has actually spent a fair amount of time with Mel or Ray or both, you'd think I was a real hero. With Rachel's profundity and Melanie's flair for incisiveness, I must say I'm quite proud of myself.

Did I mention I'm getting a new layout done? The Hax Philes was never meant to be the actual name of my site, just something that popped by as I was signing up to Blogger. Therefore I need a new one. But I can't think of anything! My brain is fried I tell you..KFC some more. All the fried fried stuff, all the "x to the izzo's". But hm.. I'm already looking forward to the next "feast".

Monday, January 23, 2006

In an alternate universe.

In a sudden lurch I'm yanked from where I am to somewhere I long to be. Words exchanged, and I'm playing the Cookie Monster chewing my stances and standpoints, swallowing them below yet chewing so carelessly the tell-tale crumbles clings down my front, exposed to the world and I am once again vulnerable.

Songs play and everything is inanimate. I feel like I'm being tricked, the lyrics and the rhythm of other things in play seem suspect. I'm packed into a container of disorientation, fully sober. I imagine us staring up at that damn mistletoe, wondering if we should "act like big city kids now that the sun's gone down"

I really wish could leave unscatched, have these weak proposals bounce off me but I'm not made of rubber.. I am not elastic in perception. My reservations are ideal, if I am willing to keep playing the moving target. Then again if someone wants to shoot me after reading this, I'd be damned.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

I'm chillin' in the bus.

I used to think that all the shit I'm taking comes down to loneliness. I didn't want or much less need people around when I'm in an alternate state because I didn't want to share. I wanted my own universe but it wasn't safe. I am not at ease in my own skin. The lonelieness doesn't imply that I didn't have good friends everywhere I go. I do, I know there are people out there who would take a bullet in the chest for me, in a heartbeat. But no one seems to be able to touch my loneliness.

But lately there has been some in my wavelenght, before it was only Rachel[Hobbes] who is able to look through my window and tell me what is out of place with just one look. Today, I have people who is able to at least play the Hokey Pokey with my (dis)comfort zone.

Love is all around, and I know I've got to pick myself up. I know I cannot forsake this love. I know my friends don't deserve this. I know my family does not want this. I know my life does not merit this.

I'd thought the problem was me. I was it. That's what I believed. I believed I was the everything. The largeness of my disaster dragged others-frankly, everyone-down with me. But of late, these people, the pillowed landing they subconsciously have prepared for me has made me been able to smile without my mind going "Fucking smile bitch!"

Thursday, January 19, 2006

When it bleeds, it pours.

Some unions are meant to be and this is one.
When I first had my heart broken I ran to him and he offered me chocolate milk. When mercy gave me away I ran to him for refuge and he took me in to watch him play PS2 games.
My godbrother Pek San -_-
I don't understand the bond between us both and maybe that's why its so precious. Eeyer, so geli.
Ooh not to forget, Justinnnnn. The 3rd player, the biggest joker I know.

Yeah, the picture above is probably why I'm related to them both. This is what I call "Dim Delights."

Wednesday, January 18, 2006


I'm happy that I have both/all albums of The Thrills.
Those were the last two CDs I bought.
But I've been waiting for more than a month now.
January 3rd was bloodbaths ago!
I need First Impressions of Earth. I am one of The Strokes' biggest fans!


The people at Tower Records and Rock Corner at 1utama and I have become fairly okay friends as I am one of their constant customers, but these days I'm just annoying. And I will jump and do the twist on every single on of their nerves until I get that album. I need it.
Kimberlyyyyyyyy you would understand this dilemma of mine. Help!

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Polished weekend.

One music at Zouk was alright. It was just Tyler and I flying solo but we met some other friends there.
Gerald[Gman] and I.
Suzanne and IJason[Fono] and I
Marco & Lucinda.

The rest of the crew (haha) wanted to detox but not Ty and I, no sirree we needed to de-stress haha after a bad week we both had. The night after this one ALMOST everyone was present for Bass Agents. Aunty Bubbly has been missing in action for way too long.
But the music was ticking us off especially Elle and I so we left early. Boom Boom Boom Boom *raise one eyebrow*, I can't believe I expected some drum&bass set, I've never heard the Bass Agents before but Kenneth happens to be my next-door neighbor/pretty docile&nice guy and the "Bass" in Bass Agents threw me off. But I have a feeling we took pretty good pictures because they were snapped before we flew into any holes :D muahaha.
I'll post them up soon.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Dance with the Devil

Immortal Technique, my latest anesthetic. They've proved that rap can be revolutionary. I never thought I'd live to hear myself say this.

Part of the lyrics:
This is it kid now you got your chance to be raw
so Billy choked her up and grapped the chick by the hair
the shirt covered her face, but she screamed and clawed
so Billy stomped on the bitch, until he'd broken her jaw
the dirty bastards knew exactly what they were doing
they kicked her until they cracked her ribs and she stopped moving
blood leaking through the cloth, she cried silently
and then they all proceeded to rape her violently
Billy was made to go first, but each of them took a turn
ripping her up, and choking her until her throat burned
a broken jaw mumbled for god but they weren't concerned
when they were done and she was lying bloody, broken and bruised.
they told him that she was a witness of what she'd gone through
and if he killed her he was guaranteed a spot in the crew
he thought about it for a minute, she was practicly dead
and so he leaned over and put the gun right to her head
Right before he pulled the trigger, and ended her life,
what he saw made him start to cringe and stutter
cause he was staring into the eyes of his own mother
she looked back at him and cried, cause he had forsaken her
she cried more painfully than when they were raping her
his whole world stopped, he couldn't even contemplate
his corruption had succesfully changed his fate.
he turned away from the woman that had once given him birth
and crying out to the sky cause he was lonely and scared
but only the devil responded, cause god wasn't there
and right then he knew what it was to be empty and cold
and so he jumped off the roof and died with no soul.
I was there with Billy Jacobs and I raped his mom too
and now the devil follows me everywhere that I go
you have a self destructive destiny when you're inflicted
and you'll be one of god's children and fall from the top
there's no diversity because we're burning in the melting pot

so when the devil wants to dance with you, you better say never
because the dance with the devil might last you forever

Immortal Technique - Dance with the Devil.

Friday, January 13, 2006


I dreamt of deaths, left or right I saw dying koi fishes, babies, people in buses and on streets. But I was saving them.

Koi fishes in different sizes jumping out of different aquariums. They keep slipping out of my hands, their slimy texture causing me to cringe everytime I had to pick them off the floor and toss them back into the water. But their suicide attempts continued to tire me. Approximately a dozen aquarium lined the wall outside a room brimming with dull sunshine. Someone came to help but it was no remedy, I had to do it myself. They were mostly orange, black and white. I was installing filters, adding water in a frenzy and yet I was dry, parched and barren. Bile threatened to escape my throat and I was trembling in disgust and fear.

I was holding a new-born infant in my arms. I had a vision of an elderly woman with wise lines crossing her eyes and cheeks and she was out to kill the baby I was cuddling. I remember running, I remember being out of breath evading falling and cracking concrete. The woman stared me down and color drained out of my cheeks. I must have blanched a thousand times while holding the baby draped in red cloth.

My feet were hovering over train tracks and highways. I was hopping on top of buses, saving lives. I saw my dad dodging a white vehicle and I panicked. I pulled a Jackie Chan for the next 15 minutes, kicking windows. I tried to scream but I didn't know how. I could not make a sound.
I had to swallow it all. It was creepy, vivid.

All almost graping Jack's right hand.
I woke up exhausted and out of breath, my joints aching. I was freezing. I looked at the time, I was asleep for 2 hours.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


I've been responding to everything in a purely reflexive manner.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Broken Hallelujah.

The past months has been baffling. I sit and count the reasons to why I am here today. As I always say "We can only live our own experience."
I'm bound, broken and alone.

Sat on my desk and propped my legs over the window sill for 4 hours, staring at streetlights and the turtle-shaped tree in my neighbor's backyard. My nerves constantly tossed around like a salad. Suddenly, it's not enough. The unconditional love my friends extend, the constant company I have day after day, they don't seem to be able to fuel my existence. I am comfortable taking steps backward, tripping along the way.
I've been pushed away one too many times, its no wonder I can only move one way. I'm only waiting for the next shove. Nevertheless, I'm not prepared.
Once, my ceiling was beaten down by daydreams and idle thoughts. Now I am infected with nightmares and mobile fears.

Saturday, January 07, 2006


Days pass. They come and go and I stare. This is all that happens. I am perpetually blank. I wish I could talk to someone and they would talk back. Use some sort of spirit-world sign language. Make the lights flicker or if that’s too surreal, cause a draft against my skin. Or maybe its easier to wander in a dream. The only problem is that I’d always think its just a dream. So maybe someone should learn to turn street lamps off when I walk beneath them. If that’s too tricky, someone could make them blink.
I keep talking but I don’t hear anything. Maybe it’s too close. Maybe there’s a holding area or something. A process. Like going through the customs with a dog. How it has to stay in quarantine for a few weeks before you can take it home. But these so-called weeks feels far too long for me. Maybe it’s like that. Or maybe I just die and that’s it. Maybe there is nothing else. Maybe nothing else matters anymore. Maybe your body heat simply evaporates and adds another billionth degree of heat to the world.

How can a person slice their wrist with liquid? It’s incomprehensibly brilliant and clever, glass. I am made of glass.

Because I am so jaded, time becomes elastic. I don’t know how long I’ve been standing here before I’m swept off the curb. I find myself glued to the asphalt, the bits of stone sticking to the soles of my feet and the tar feels like ice. I see the lights of the boat on the water as we cross a bridge I’m hovering over. This fact is not comforting enough, I go unnoticed, never falling asleep.

The sun spills in the room and I’m still awake. The windows is open and I can see the breeze but I can’t feel it. It billowed around the room and reminded me of paper-covered windows the way it glowed. I remember it was very cold. I rise from the floor to find a hole, the room has no doors, only empty hinges. I walk down the hallway, past people’s lives, their souls open. Children in ribbons and caps. So many windows smashed, angry sprays of blood looping over brownstone steps. Crushed dreams, a broken heart and a few torn souls.

I wake up slowly, gradually leaving a dream where I’ve fallen asleep on cement floor. The dream leaves, the sheets are soaking wet, the pillow drenched. I climb out of bed, disgusted. It comes out of me at once, propelled by a force of its own, a noise I’ve never made before.
A gigantic laugh straddling a guttural sob. I’m trying to speak but its coming out messy and wet. A laugh comes through, then a choke. I walk outside. And there is no word for this. I walk and I walk and I walk and I walk and I walk and I walk and I walk. Something is building in me but I don’t know what it is but I chant anyway “Let it out, let it out, let it out,” as I walk, not caring if I seem insane.

And then I am weeping, I am bawling. I am not holding any of it back. I’m not swallowing so whole that it goes deep inside my chest again or ducking into doorways. I am walking and everything is draining out of me. And like a moron, like a wasted disaster of a girl, I open my palms to see scars on both sides. I feel as though helium has been injected into the spaces between my cells. But I feel heavier albeit slight intoxicated.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

For the road.

Forgot that there are more pictures from Tyler's camera. Might post them after he uploads them on his multiply.

Oooh look what Elle got for me for Christmas.

Isn't it the cutest hippo ever. I have yet to name him though. But I'm sure we'll come up with something good :D

Another shy picture of Elle&I, muka gones! Err actually mine is just plain fat here la.

We all missed Eve and I want to remind her here that the next session, we will not buy ANY of her excuses. By hook or by crook.. -_-

Tuesday, January 03, 2006


Byebye 2005!
It has been an eventful year.
Rachel left and came back, so there was a WHOLE LOT OF TEARS.
He came, stomped on my heart and left it on the asphalt, even more tears.
But, there were many faces this year that lasted till NYE and I cannot be more grateful.
Nerd and Cheryl, my ex-housemate:brother&sister. You mean the world to me! You are family.

Nerd and Cheryl <3

The few who are in Belize, Perth, Newcastle, Melbourne and Michigan and everywhere around the world -_- You know who you are. I miss you so much you have no idea.

The night before NYE at Zouk was pretttyyyy trippy. I remember sitting at the stairs of the DJ console and bobbing my head to Jason's music. The lala-kia in me emerged. Went back to 9, danced in the bathroom and went to bed. Actually I crashed in Ah Heng's bed so he had to sleep with Kenny. HA-HA. A bit paiseh cause when I woke up, 2 was in the other room, 2 was in the hall, and 2 in Kenny's room. I took over Heng's bed, the most comfortable one in the house. Hero!
We woke up, lazed around..smoke smoke smoke and headed to LG. We got there and I re-united with my gilas. Rachel, Mel and Kim. For some reason we were all in black for NYE. HengKongKennyJourdang set up the steamboat while Arthur and Thomas were obedient boyfriends.

Where's Rachel?! Layan boyfriend. F-I-N-E.
And thennn..its on.

All my babies were with me when 2006 came! One in spirit.
We had good music throughout. Actually I had Tyler's Ipod and was mostly listening to Placebo, The Thrills and Led Zeppelin. I even put on Jimmy Eat World for Elle and I :D
Then the rest came back from work and we had our own private indoor rave haha.

Muka gone. That's Tyler. Tyler's my kaki&kakilang. Makan, Tyler. Club, Tyler. This, Tyler. That, Tyler. Multi-purpose yo! *xoxo*

Perry&Elle: Without which the vibe would not be complete.

I feel as if I have so much more to say. There is you, in my life now which makes everything a little more bearable, the cliches work again and I really appreciate it.