Wednesday, September 28, 2005

What aversion?

I have an embarrassing confession. I actually enjoy answering those dumb Friendster surveys. I tried one today, in search of a distraction. I couldn't answer anything. Name two favourite hangouts, I don't have any. Name two favourite vacation spots, I don't know any. Name two favourite shoes brands and that was the last straw. I don't like anything anymore. I try and I try. To have a semblence of a life, to swallow normality. I don't want anything but to be happy and yet the things that gives me the reverse hands me peversity instead. It's sick. It's not even a cycle, it's an upward downhill. My friends would think that I did drugs or swallow anti-depressants because I'm self-destructive. But I'm really averting a greater danger. I don't like my life now but for some dumb reason I want to be alive. And these little chemicals ensures an escape. And pretty soon it's an art. A ritual. Swallowing is boring, so I cut them up, grind them under a spoon and snort it up. The peverse joy I receive from it does scare me but fear is familiar. Comforting even.

You think being dependant on these "escapes" suck? Try cutting them off.