I haven't had polite conversation in a long time. I haven't felt fellowship, I haven't been in the company of interesting people. I miss my friends.
I've been talking to Rachel and she is of the opinion that I don't make new friends because as soon as I set my eyes on someone new I'm too busy judging them. Probably true. But it's better to judge in the beginning and be set straight later on. Than to whole-heartedly embrace someone and to be made a fool later on, right?
I have the few relationships I need that don't require any effort to maintain. Its just there whether I like it or not and with one look or word everything's back in place and I'm home. Okay maybe it's not as if they don't require any effort to maintain but more like its sails on effortlessly.
During this quiet, I have done a bit of thinking, just a bit. I've realized that even as we grow a little older, no one is any wiser they are just a little more careful, a little more crafty. There's always someone who is stuck in high school and that person will drag a whole willing bunch back down that sick sick memory lane. There's always some sort of competition going down, always something snide to say about someone else but people are smart, they say mean things with sweet overtones. Like oh we're saying shit about you because we care. Yeah, because we care about ourselves and how your attitude is affecting US and OUR wellbeing.
It's shit, Rachel and I said. It even happens in adult social circles. Men and women, in their 50s bitching "nicely" about a friend. I hate that I've played a small part in these instances ebfore. An agreeable comment was all it took and I've contributed to the High School Wars. I'm like that kid who nobody really sees and my opinion would only be valued if it was on their side.
So when one person makes a decision that everyone else disagrees with, that person has become a leper. People would play you hot and cold depending on their mood, because apparently once you're a leper people can be self-righteous and have a reasons why they are above you. I've seen this many times, I've watched from afar and I've been in those shoes. It happens.
Boy am I fucking tired of walking on eggshells. My fist is tired from clutching all that salt. I'm tired of people and the lousy system they live by. I am sick of playing with children who compares the size of their testicles.
Thank God I have perfect friends, the above is so behind me. In fact its been behind me for a while now but I just wanted to rant on about it because although it doesn't happen to me, it still happens to the people around me. There are stupid people everywhere, what to do.