Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Mind-field.

If my pain had a purpose, it would probably hurt less. I know where I'd come from and I know how I got here, but not knowing why I'm still here when I have everything a person would need is extremely ungrateful of me. In fact, it's almost just being a plain drama queen.


The worst part is, depression is such a fucking trend. Every girl around the corner wants to wear this dark persona, each one wanting to out-depress the other. I hate trends, I never follow. Now how did depression become such an attention-seeking tool? Every girl wants to be the “It” girl. If you’re not the “It” girl who has a crazy nightlife and mingle with the “in” crowd, then go left wing (not that it is anymore) and wear this morose personality and hope that it makes you more of a person just because you chose not to be from the other group.


My symptoms tell me that I'm on edge of turning into one sad girl. My father tells me I need help and that my “hippie” phase is not funny anymore. My mother cries because I jolt out of sleep screaming for help. My roommate thinks I'm an alien because I either sleep once every two or three days or sleep for hours on end. My sister told me I'm a freak.


Is this possible? Have I become one of those girls because my parents tell me that I am? Why do they fail to see the normal functioning being that I am? I may not be the touchstone of sanity in our society but I hold down my responsibilities, have a disciplined moral conscience, do my laundry, finish my homework and cook my own meals.


But it seems it’s not what I am, it’s what extras I have, hence what I am too much of. From there I could see that limitations are being set. Instead of being told to shoot for the moon, I am being told to tone down and to behave like a normal young adult. These limitations should guarantee extreme perspicacity. Instead, because daddy is pushing me to speak to a professional, I’m misplaced, not knowing where I’ve made a bad turn.


I am not depressed. Sadness, sorrow and desperation are unpleasant but absolutely common. Sorrow is when I have to watch for my choice of words when speaking to my father. The slightest implication of anything strange could trigger him. Years ago I told him I thought Nixon was a great president and I would have voted for him all three times. An hour later I mentioned that I wished I was born in the 60s, I would have been brimming with purpose. Of course to me it was all wishful thinking but to a father who loves me so unconditionally, I’m crazy.


Sadness is when daddy confiscates all my books on Hitler, Karl Marx and even textbooks which has to do with socio-economics teachings. Desperation is watching mommy break my AC/DC and Misfits CDs, choking on her words, incoherent and red, convinced that rock and roll has driven me to lunacy.


To them, I am a walking minefield. I was sure I wasn’t, until I realized that there are sudden implosions within me and I just want everyone to stay the fuck away from me. At least until I’ve been dismantled.

12 comments:

Elle Ashley said...

I understand how it is to have parents who think that we are “different”. Don’t worry too much about it… Once U grow up, they will learn to respect U for who U are... For the time being, you’ve got friends who care & love you for who you already are…

Stella said...

thank God for each one of you!
*hugs.

joey.khor said...

this is not an advice ya, this is a question. maybe its them really, maybe its the ppl around you or maybe it you. maybe they are selfish, or maybe you are cos maybe you choose to see what you want to see (perspectives).

im just saying maybe. its just a thought.

but really, im not in the position to advice.

...pS... said...

remember a wise man once said... its not who you are but rather who you want them to think you are...and not how much they think they know... but rather how much you want them to know... the choice is up to you to step out into the world..try finding the light...

Stella said...

having more than one perspective on one single matter will really mess me up.

but of course that's only human nature.

Stella said...

ps: that is stoner talk. be glad i understood.

UnkleBus said...

no one ever said everything would be perfect, or just the way we like it but i do know that its up to us to make the best of it. happiness is knowing there's someone who cares enough to show it (though the methods are suspect) and life is a coin, theres always a flipside to it. depending on which you choose; you decide if you dismantle yourself or not

Stella said...

to dismantle myself, i first need to know the wiring inside out. wouldn't want another explosion, that could result in permanant losses.

help.

joey.khor said...

i hope you'll be fine soon. take care.

anomie said...

They broke your AC/DC cds and took your Mein Kampf? Man I'd gone insane. I think one of the reasons I'm not completely crazy is that my dad and mom basically have given up on changing me. That's the key ... show them that this is you whether they like it or not and that it's futile to change you. Well I still feel fucking depressed that my dad doesn't think I'm ok in life, so maybe I dunno what I'm talking about.

Btw I wanna return your CD, how? I'm in Singapore now, be back on Sunday night.

ezra said...

You read Hitler. Hmmm...

Stella said...

ez: well not really, i've read many books on hitler :P