It was cold.
Red. The others do it to feel alive, I slid it as a reminder that the choice to die is mine. I have no control over everything else but this. I am not allowed to cry, my tear ducts cannot function. It's too cold, 7 in the evening with 2 jackets on and I am shivering as if Hell froze over. I am clambering with this defect, my internal organs in a twist.
As it dripped the area felt warm and Hell struck a chord. I am bound by this fear, and torn between the eternal fire and the temporary death here in this 2nd hell and yet I want God to accept me through His gates yet I wish I never knew God and that Jesus never died on that cross so if I'm doomed, I'm doomed.. and I'm free to kick the chair from under me.
So I'm wrong. I don't have a choice. I want so badly to be off this "hook", to be free of this belief and this awful relationship with the Trinity. I've never believed in Karma and have never relied on it to get by. If Man is to hold to this and save himself, I believe him a fool. Having said this, Christianity is cruel but its never meant to offer temporary comfort(s) (the belief in Karma is a form of temporary comfort). As bizzare as this is to Man, Christianity is to save us from the cruel as this Earth is.
Holding whats left of my freezing and pulsing heart I can't begin to wonder what could be tomorrow, or what could become the day after but what simply is. I will continue to desire the unrealistic and absurd because I will continue to feel what the mind fails to articulate. The words of those who loves my empty shell echos within my skull and I am ashamed and shattered to say that their love falls short of this grief.
I don't need a reason to love, however ill-equipped, I can cling on to love at the threat of my ceasing to love him as I am to just be. My justifications might be weak but the fact is that unrequited love is unjustifiable. Just as how he keeps pushing me away and my heart is tearing and at the same time, is able to continue to love him. This is my only comfort, that I am able to love the unjustifiable.
Which is superior? To know why you love, or to love?
I'm sorry, I'm incoherent. My thoughts, as my heart and soul, are in fragments.