Fallen In The Rye.

Eency weency spider..climb up the..

Chemical Brothers - Bass Test:
The toilet became a club, red velvet walls. Stadium stairs. I feel like Holden if he were put in a strip club.

Tension - Our story:
Wahlau, I was in a music video. One of those girls sitting on the plains, with a faggot nearby gathering flowers for me. Weird. But for a moment, just a split second, I felt loved.

Led Zeppelin - The Immigrant Song
I'm back in my childhood. I'm a rebel. High school love is for saps. Anyone who isn't rock n' roll is gross. I'm in a perpetual mosh pit. I don't want to leave.

Why do I have to grow up?
Jon, we shared lunches when we were 7 (haha i doubt it), art supplies when we were 10, philosophies when we were 13, guitar riffs at 15 and music for the rest of our lives.
En, when we met you were the drummer boy. And I think you're hotter than Travis aight! Sparta. The Strokes. Thursday. So many inspirations, too little time.
Gene, skateboarding was such a passion. Skipping tuition classes, taking the money, buying 2 CDs a month was enough to satisfy our thrist for punk&rock. Your mermaid green hair still gives me nightmares till today. Blink 182 before they sold out was our muse. We slept with Dude Ranch under our pillows. Now the Misfits just seems kinda far.

I'm in another world, boys. And you watched as this process took its toll on me. I still remember some of what was said when it first begun,

"You go clubbing?! You hate clubbing! What happened to underground gigs?"
"You wore a skirt? Seriously?! SHIT that I gotta see."
"You can walk in high heels??"

Sorry boys, about the gigs, the local music scene is selling out. It's not about the music anymore, its about their faces in magazines and fancy boyish drinks they hold in their hand. The last CD I bought was both The Thrills' albums. I've stopped looking out for new shit. I'd much rather pick out an old album from my stack and listen with my eyes open wide under my black covers.

I want to go back to a time where I didn't need Mr.X to keep my happy, Mr.Pdr to help me dream, Mr.V to put me to sleep. All the misters in my life, can't amount to the one I really need.

I'm Sprung by Thunderstone.

I’m back. That was a short trip with my dad cracking me up the whole time. He turned everything into a joke, some sharp the rest tasteless.

So I got back in time for Ferry Corsten, Tyler picked me up and he played the role of the bait in order to lure Mel to Zouk so that I can surprise her, Arthur and Thomas (Kim’s babyboy). But before they were there I was with my technicolor friends, *woohoo! :P


That's Eve, and Perry in the Christmas Hat, Me (eeyer) and Tyler!

I was so excited to suprise Mel, we were all betting on how loud she was gonna scream and jump when she sees me. Hook, line but no sinker, Eve accidentally told her that I was back. Teehee. My cousin Edwin came back from Melbourne too and this is our very first time sitting together, our eyes lacking focus and our minds on the edge. Shamim was with him. I haven't seen him in 3 years! Shamim used to sing for a band I hung out with pretty often back during high school times, Angst. Since then both him and Arthur has switched to a few different bands. Shamim still going strong in the scene.

Arthur, Me, my cousin Edwin, Shamim.

I was happily being fed candy and the night turned out awesome.The rest left before I did while I stayed back with Mel, Edwin and the rest. I finally got to meet Thomas, Kim has been telling me so much about him especially how she thinks we'll get along really well. Thomas said "I feel like I've known you, Mel and Rachel for a long time. Kim talks about you guys so often." AWWW, woman, I melted. Come back from Ipoh quick. Mambo on Wednesday :P

Me, Mel and Thomas.

From 3.30am onwards, the journey was technicolor, topsy turvy and I got to be Alice in Wonderland for more than half an hour.

Lo and Behold, the Aftermath.

Shit.

Shiny rock.

Seen you smile, watched you cry, broke your fall, cried with you and for you. Miriam, you and I had been through all the weirdest phases in our teenage life. Climbing trees to blowing giant bubbles. Especially you grabbing the big giant blower from the 5-year old kid, *tsktsk. When I think of it, it felt like yesterday. But when it comes down to it, it's been a long time since we've spent real time together, so long ago that digital cameras weren't around

Anyway,
Lisa is getting married!! I read her e-mail and cried for a full minute! I was stunned, then I screamed into Joyce's ear and she looked at me in suprise and saw that my face had tars streaming down and she blinked, "I knew you were gonna lose it someday." Stupid girl -_-
Lisa's my age, and we grew up together so it is the coolest thing ever! She's insanely happy, the wedding's next december in Perth. He proposed over the weekend. She is engaged. Wow, to her first boyfriend ever no less.

There was this time where Miriam developed an obsession for manual cameras and astrology, not in sync thank goodness :P and Lisa and I felt a little out of place. We were always making trips to photoshops, to scenic spots, and we watched the night sky A LOT. "Stel, we're so..passion-less. I mean we have our music and guitars but so does Miriam. We need to be passionate about something!" Lisa said. We came up with so many: finger-painting, writing songs, jumping on her cushy bed, eating 20 nuggets each. Most of them stuck :D
I guess now her passion is life.

Still can't believe it. She's engaged!!

I wanna push you around.

Few of my closer friends has mentioned that I've always fallen for the wrong guys. Actually, they feel strongly that its the age of my exes that caused the conflicts. I, however have always felt that maturity is unreliable. Maturity lacks flexibility and I have always been bent. Someday my back will break. I hum the Toys R' Us tune often, because it starts with "I don't wanna grow up." I have always loved Peter Pan. Innocence is such an asset. I love children. Their simplicity attracts me into another dimension.

I don't have a type, really I don't. I don't have a type that I go for. But I do have a type I won't.
Example, if he asks "So are you the type of girl who likes guys with fast cars?"
Out.

"Maybe you're too intense for this world."
Maybe. It would have been a yes except it sounded as if he is suggesting that I kill myself.

They were adding up, these "friends" of mine. The one who helps me forget that I've been waiting. The other which helps me stay artificially sublime for days. Another who teaches me not to care about anything at all. Maybe one more who helps loosen the heartstrings. Whatever it is, they help me pass the time and avert a greater danger. I used to wake up afraid that I'm gonna live. Last night I stayed awake afraid that I might feel that way again. Which means, that I probably don't anymore. But everyone has left and gone on without me. And with their absence the platitudes are bearable somehow, I've either gotten accustomed to them, or I've developed a tolerance for petty bullshit.

Damn it, I need to be Svengali enough to control my emotions. I can't constantly anticipate the plummet, be stripped bare and be less than I had before. I need to be less of a calculative cow. In one of my previous entries, a long time ago in another blog life, I wrote of the eternal dance inspired by C.S Lewis. Rachel said to me once "When you're spinning in circles, it doesn't stop. Call me." The only way to stop spinning is to fall short and bruise some body part. It's impossible to leave unscathed. How do they do it..

PS: Gonna smack Tyler, soooo many disgusting pictures on his Flicker which is on his blog! Mel is gonna freak!

One breath.

Everyone here embraces a healthy lifestyle. And yes, I’m saying it like it’s a bad thing. I mean, really really healthy lifestyle. They shun red meat and alcohol, sake not included. Smoking is out, obviously. They ride their bikes to work in the name of cardiovascular health and taut muscles. Cookies actually go untouched! I, on the other hand, eat what I like and have the weight to prove it. I smoke like a chimney (as they would say) both the legal and illegal substance as often as I could and naturally these “lifestyle” habits wouldn’t sit too well with the family here if they were to find out. I’ve resorted to smoking on the beach by the area where the same three men cook their fish over a suspicious looking bonfire four times a day because no one else goes there and these men seem detached enough not to report to my home. Also because the pungent smell of the burning fish not only keep people away, it is acrid enough to mask any smell from the cigarettes. Only problem is, I come home smelling like I’ve been at the fish market while it was going up in flames.
So I came up with another hair-brained idea, a much simpler one. I know, the first one was a little too obtuse, even for my standards. I smoked in the toilet- and set off the fire-alarm.
This led to me confessing to my mom that I have yet to quit my disgusting habit and in turn that led to her inspecting the contents of my bag to find an assortment of pills which definitely looked suspect at first glance, then finding out that they are painkillers and anti-depressants which she had me put on 4 months ago. She rifled through my name cards and looked up at me to say “You’re too old to still like all this tattooing nonsense. No more, please. You’re a hippie.” Oh ma, if you only knew what a hippie really was and what they did stood for.
My skin has been peeling due to the cold and the wind. Most visible on my face, and ma decided to introduce me to this wonder they call “moisturizer”. I dabbed a little on and DAMN IT does it hurt like a bitch. Long story short, she paid me rm50 to rub it all over my face. I literally cried, it was painful on the skin and smelt like moldy peas. I would have made a small fortune if I kept it up but I could only last 6 hours. I refused to put any more of that poisonous gunk on my face and therefore as I’m typing this, my sister is taunting me with “Baboon backside-face” while dancing around me. Yup, wind-burnt. My face is all red!
At a so-called potluck with my prissy and equally health-conscious cousins, I sat and solemnly ate the skin off several pieces of fried chicken, carefully striping off the meat with a knife and fork and daintily drinking Mountain Dew. No one was too pleased, but I’ll bet at least some of them at the table would secretly trade their revolting puffer fish thingy and puny grapes for my oil-ridden chicken. The only reason why I've gone to such lenghts to annoy the people around me is that I am upset. I want to go home. PJ is my home.

I’ve been irritable. This ordeal is bringing out the worst in me; thinking of it puts me in the mood for some needless violence. Thank goodness Ray and Mel has been pining for me to come home everyday :P muahahaha. I feel much better knowing that I'm missed. Those two can't do without me. Tsktsk.

Oh and about Zoukout, it was fun. Err albeit certain moments I could do without, still fun. Would probably blog about it when I'm in the mood.

Few pictures I don't remember taking at Mambo week before last, I was pretty smashed:

Whose thumb is that??

O my, thank goodness I don't remember this one. I would have died cringing. What the hell!! One is counting the minutes till I'm home, the other one is begging for me to come home. Boy do I feel loved, I should be away more often.

Sing-a-pore?

Kim's washing her face in my bathroom as I'm tapping away here.
Rachel is driving, on her way here.
Mel and Jamie probably double-checking everything with each other.
Mun Fye would be loading more shit onto his laptop.
Arthur..hm..had better be with Rachel by now.
I have..not packed. Well not really, but almost.
I'm just lazy.

Oh shit! Mun Fye's here.
What the hell, where's he gonna leave his car?

Okay, bye.

Jigsaw pieces.

I look terrible in that picture. And it's not just the fringe. Mel's fault for being away while I needed a haircut. I knew it was gonna turn out looking like this: like I have a cauliflower (is that how you spell it?) jutting out from my forehead.
Yes, when I wear any sort of hat I'd look like some sort of.. pastry. And when I get my haircut I'm a duplicate of some vegetable or another.
Oh oops, sorry about the detour. Kim is back!!! When we met we banged into each other in this kung-fu hug and she hurt her shoulder a little. *heh, I can be rough sometimes.
Mel is home too! She actually called me on Monday night and I answered the phone going "You're back!! You're back!!" and she said "Wah your reaction ar..eh mahai I read your blog."
Sigh, a libel suit against me. Correction: Mel is NOT good at telling me what to do, but she does it anyway.
HAHAHA. Okay. I'm bored therefore I'm nuts. The committee had our meeting just now at Charms, The Curve. *ahem. It's mapped out.

The Zoukout/Road Trip to JB Committee:
Hotel Rooms: Rachel and Jamie.
Finances: Mel. (Habis-la, we're talking about a Tai-tai in making here)
Communication (walkie talkies, handphones etc): Kim and Suet Yeng:P
Entertainment: The Men. They are both born that way.

You know what I got stuck with? As usual for EVERY trip?
The music[The official "CD burner"] and.. FOOD. Thanks ar..talk about an ego-boost.
The shit part is, whatever music I bring along, everyone is going to hate it, except for Rachel but because she's the unofficial chairwoman she gets to tell me to do it, and I get to bask in the death glares and groaning from everyone else. The Spill Canvas and Eisley here I come. I'm tempted to bring my Nirvana boxed set along for the ride but I don't want it ruined and no one else would appreciate it anyway, not even Rachel :( I'm bringing The Strokes though, even if we don't listen to it, knowing that the cds are around is comfort enough, just in case I have a panic attack or something.
Though I was told, some trance for Arthur please. So I came online and downloaded everything from Warp Brothers and ATB. Uh..the only 2 err.. groups? bands? anyway, which I was exposed to when living with Nerd. Fingers crossed its the right type of trance, goodness it sounds quite.. intimidating.

So, 6 of us girls and 2 of them boys.
I.can't.wait.

I'm gonna miss Kong and Heng :(
And I was gonna say that I would miss Max too but he's currently flooding our MSN chat window with BAPE merchandise. Man he's a shopaholic. So much so I feel quite the "manly" compred to him o_O

Playing Favourites.

Rachel[Hobbes] is back. While she was away she would say,
"Hell isn't the same without you."
And I, "When you're back it'd be Christmas-time in Hell again!"
But now that geography isn't a setback anymore, I feel that neither of us were correct. Instead it feels like Hannukah, it's a celebration of some sort only we're not involved.
Anyway, her presence brings tinsel and toilet paper.



Mel is in Bangkok. She left on Thursday and will be back on Tuesday. I didn't expect to, but I miss her more than I imagined I would..already! Like today I wanted to get my hair cut, but then I felt as if I really needed her opinion. She's good at telling me what to do! Also because Rachel's ideas for haircuts has been a little too wild for me lately *nyeh. It's true ray.


Ah Heng on the left and Ah Kong on the right. I love them to bits. I have never felt more pampered or safe ever. It's like being handed a lollipop every hour on the hour. They tolerate me. I got them drunk by winning at "chor tai ti" every round, they had to finish a whole bottle in an hour. They come with me to Ghetto Heaven and even though they can't "layan" they sway around with me anyway. And ooh, best part yet, they feed me!


Max isn't just the quietest member of KOF haha, he's my male GH partner. When I get tired and sweaty from dancing, Max is right by my side people-watching and head-bobbing. When I get elbowed in the gut or is getting smothered in the crowd, its Max to the rescue! He has this radar where he reaches in and yanks me to his side. His phone calls always comes at the right time and it never fails to make me feel like having some cotton candy, I don't know why o_O

I haven't seen Alex in a month. So tonight we went for ice-cream. He came in to say hello to my parents, to their delight. And when I got into his car, I felt..choked up somehow. For a split second, I felt like crying. He has this effect on me. The one person who always has my best interests at heart, even if it meant my wrath he'd say whatever it is to hinder me from dreading another tomorrow.


There are so many more. You guys know who you are. *xoxo*

Ever the activist, no?

Someone told me the other day that my entries seem to lack substance compared to my past entries in my previous blog. Hobbes herself said "Stel, you sound like a bimbo!" and she has never been audacious enough to say that (to my face anyway) before, prior to this little transformation. I have no idea what this really means as my purging feels the same. However there has been change in my current life(style). Let's just say I've loosened up and am no longer hold to a fault my stance that I am a pacifist who at the same time is not anti-war (anyone who has a problem with my "semantics" on this one, let me know). I refrain from lecturing friends who pay Mobil for their petrol, and I curse much less at those seen sporting Nike merchandise. I am okay with having McDonalds, once in a blue moon and 3 months back I actually ordered a Coke when that was all they had apart from Pepsi. I have completely stopped glaring at patrons of Starbucks since I find myself actually removing bills from my wallet and hanging it over to "they who exploit third world labor and put on the market unfair trade coffee" for a bottle of Nantucket juice. I don't despise hiphop as I used to because it lacks guitar riffs and its' lyrics are basically a narrative of anything sex, money, sex, material possessions, sex, cheap hos', even more despicable men, sex and the occasional Gucci hat; I dance to it every Thursday.

I was labelled a radical o_O yea, I know right? (har-har) but I've devolved into a borderline conformist. My actions have ceased to require ludicrous article reading. I have learnt to "play ignorant" and keep my mouth shut. My conscience still bugs me out sometimes and I can't help kicking myself for being such a sheep but I've been frigid in the past and its time to goddamn breathe.

A couple of hours ago I was having coffee at Seri Angkasa, KL Tower after dinner at Bon Ton (yummmm) when there was a display of big-boom fireworks. I love fireworks. We sat there entralled, quiet, staring for what seemed to be 15 whole minutes and when it ended, we looked around at each other, "Looks like we came on the right day", "Yeah, what a treat. That was so cool!", smiling around when I felt it coming. My smile twitched. I suppressed it for a good 8 seconds when I spat it out, quiteee involuntarily *smirk, faintly but steadily,

"Now all we have to worry about is the emission of that sulphur dioxide into our atmosphere and risk respiratory tract infections *pause especially on newborn infants"
Fuck. I ruined it.

See I really should have said, "I love fireworks, only not in theory."