Exhausted.

Help I need somebody

Help not just anybody

Bang!

A pattern could be a form of security. When a routine is present, all is predictable but when that is, what comes next? The happily ever after? There are no faeries here. No magic dust to tourniquet a broken spirit. This pattern could harness laughter, warmth, joy and that bond. That bond that binds, that unites and one is no longer solitary but one is a half of a whole and for that there should never come about that dreadful feeling of solitude, of loneliness, of desperation that wraps around one’s neck, gently suffocating.

I am envious of those who can settle comfortably, undemanding and content. I start to think that maybe it’s me. Maybe I will never be uncomfortable with any pattern, regardless of how sound it is most of the time. What about the other times? Is this simply a woe of someone who isn’t accustomed to happiness? No no no this is bullshit through and through because one should make their place. Just as I am madly absorbed, I expect both to be made of the same material. The sponge that takes and gives and somehow it’s an eternal dance.

I am afraid, what if the pattern I am most at ease in, is one where misery is fulfilling and joy a liability. I don’t want to be that, a liability, a chore, a responsibility.

And if the other doesn’t break the cycle and do something about this mess, I’m breaking free and I’m not turning back. When a heart is broken, can promises follow suit? Because what is worth more, the heart or the promise? And tell me, who is the bigger man, the man who is all about doing the right thing, stiff and unyielding. Or the man who can break free of his comfort zone, throw all of his rulebook out the window, make beautiful mistakes and do stupid things.

They’ve said that “If you are not willing to sound stupid, you are not worthy of being in love.”

And with that said, I’m back to square one. I’m not budging. He’s not moving. I’m wilting and what scares me is not only if he’s fine with this damaging silence, but at this very moment the tears are collecting he feels free from the burden of keeping me.

I really think I’ve brought this upon myself. I keep twisting and turning and I have no idea what the fuck I just said and what the fuck I want. I should just shoot myself before I turn into a whiner :D

Stating the obvious.

John Reznik of the Goo Goo Dolls sang

"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive"

I've always felt that he is just pointing out the obvious. Many seems to feel as if this song has depth.

You fight the tears that are coming. Common.
You can't fight the tears that ain't coming. Exact same meaning, stated the other way round and suddenly its profound.

This is probably how people find The Da Vinci Code interesting. I shouldn't say much as I haven't read the book. Sigh. Seems I can't avoid it forever. I'll have to pick it up soon. After I'm done with it, I will have more to say I'm sure of it.

Blue + Yellow = Green

Ma, Pa and I watched Daisy together just now. It's a Korean movie, where the girl is unusually sweet and pleasant wheareas both men who were in love with her were good with guns.

As usual, my dad and I sat in the living room with a book each in our hands. My mom with her lotion. I was immersed in my book at first but slowly I noticed a pattern so I covertly watched them. During the sceness with thick classical music and choked voices in the background, my mom would be staring intently at the screen, her lotion forgotten while dad would keep his eyes focused on the pages of his dog-eared book. But then when there was gunfire and screaming my dad would tear away from Issac Isomov and watch the hubbub while ma would go back to rubbing lotion into her arms and sms-ing on her handphone. This pattern goes on for the next half an hour before I went back to my book.

When the credits was rolling I looked up and they were both sleeping on the couch. I woke them up and joked with them about how only a combination of the two of them would be able to watch this movie since they were both such strong opposites. And that's where I came in! :D :D

It was an okay movie. Very Korean, they definitely get points for the little details which to me, makes all the difference. Reminded me so much of A moment to remember and Innocent Steps.

So I told them the ending. Ma said "Aiyo so sad ah!" and Pa just snorted.

I left out the part where there was a crying man. He HATES it when men cries; especially on tv. He would go "shameful" and switch the channel.

Macho, macho, dad!

Fruitful lesson.

My dad loves his garden, everyone who has ever been to my house knows. Because our garden looks great *ahem and also because I would go "Make sure to tell my dad you like his garden, guarantee he'll like you!" to anyone who was coming over for the first time :D

Apart from weird palm trees and bonsais, he plants fruit trees in our garden too. His grapes turned out suprisingly edible the last time and his latest project involves longans! Yum!

So the other day he asked Joyce, "Want some longan?"

"Yes!"

Di turns and called out to the kitchen to my kakak and says "Kris! Angkat cangkul kasi budak ini!"

*pause*

"What. Plant yourself la. Think easy is it. The idea of having longans seems like a simple luxury to you. We all need to learn some humility from time to time."

Jimmy rocks!

I'm gonna buy The Sims 2, who wants to start a family with me?

Okay. That was all in the name of family. Namely, Father's Day. My dad is hilarious! *does the technicolor tabik!*
After all these years I'd say he's the perfect dad!

I read Pre-Law in Cambridge A Levels and was the president of the Student Council in Taylors College. I am definitely understating this as I say I was not a good role model as I was told to be. Presidents before me graduate from Taylors to go on to top notch institutions such as University of Warwick, London School of Economics and of course, the University of Oxford and University of Cambridge to name a few. I was lucky not to be barred from sitting for my exams due to poor attendance. Nevertheless, my law lecturer Miss Sujata doted on me and often passes me brochures on scholarships to art schools she would come across. Miss Sujata along with both my Literature in English lecturers Miss Michelle and Miss Anne would encourage me to pursue my aspirations even if it wasn’t within their expertise.

Oh but Mrs Ho, the Vice-Principal, couldn’t stand me. If I was in the office to help with the paperwork she would have snide comments like:

“Oh Stella, there you go again baring your shoulders. Are you here to be serious or to put your arms on display?”

“For the life of me I cannot understand why the student population voted for you, if I had the power I would dismiss you from your title immediately. You tarnish the reputation of our program.”

“You know you are not supposed to show any skin above the jeans and below the t-shirt, I would send you home to change if there wasn’t a faculty meeting you have to attend today.”

“Look at you. You obviously slept in those clothes. I honestly don’t see you going far. What a shame. How would your parents feel.”

She says that all with an evil smile in a bitchy voice. Stupid woman needs a good screw.
Besides that, she had empty threats of barring me from my exams. I am not stupid, you may be able to bar me from attending my classes but you cannot bar me from an external exam, especially when I’m not failing. She threatened and she criticized.. and one day, she made one move that she thought was smart of her.

She called my father and demanded that he came to the school to see her and the Principal regarding my absenteeism.

I walked into the Mr.Thou’s office to find that Mrs Ho as well as the discipline master Mr Ananda was already comfortably settled in. She smirked at me as I sat down. It begun, she started to complain about this and that and gradually she began to raise her voice.

I can’t remember exactly what my father said, but it was along the lines of:
“Are you done Mrs Ho? Before this meeting I had met with Stella’s lecturers, and none of them seem to have a problem or a doubt that Stella belongs where she is…threats are not to be taken lightly so listen carefully, if you so much as speak in a condescending tone to my daughter again, I would make a few phone calls that would be extremely unpleasant for you.”

I had the last laugh with my dad in the car on the way home.

“Did you see her face when you said phone calls?! Hahahahahhahaa”

“It’s my shirt and tie. I chose the fierce look today. And my shoes! The noisy ones. Heheheheh”

“I can’t believe she told you that I smoke outside school. What is she, 14? Hahhahahahahahaha.”

“I wouldn’t be laughing so much if I were you, I still haven’t punished you for skipping classes and for smelling like a disco.”

:(

But naturally, he forgot about it. In sociological requisites my dad goes for the Reward system rather than the Punishment. If I brought home straight As and asked “Can I have anything I want?” he would say “Yeah anything but another book on Military Warfare or anything above ten ringgit.”

I LOVE HIM. (Only he still calls it a disco -_-)

Hello Panda Fever.

Tyler and Aran came over to watch football last week. I spent the entire 90 minutes tirelessly recommending various movies.

"Hey! Saw II is much better than erm whoever vs whomever! Okay okay, The Beach? Pulp fiction? Bandits!! The best! Okay fine, anything that doesn't include a single running white ball?"

Here's our commercial break during half-time.

Hello Panda is so yum! Usually, the cutesy mascot would have put me off but my youngest sister Esther has been eating it since birth so Joyce and I whack only. I would have eaten all 10 packets in that box if the guys didn't come over. Thank goodness, or we'll have to record Hello Panda Phlegm.

Happy Birthday Joey!

I didn't call you to wish you because I knew you were working with/on Hannah Tan's video today so if you're reading this, Happy Birthday!

(I stole this from Ellie)

My website looks great thanks to you (and Tyler). It's funny that I'm receiving something on your special day instead of me giving you anything *shy*. Thank you! I'm sorry if I was annoying about the color. Since you insertmotiongraphicalhehetechnicalterm my banner we might as well have it perfect, you know catering to the (unpaying) client and all that :P If you ever need help with those paper clips, you know who to call.

Eagle over and out. HAHA. *oink*

Alarming.

I was so engrossed in reading this, among other articles when I stupidly downloaded a virus into my laptop. After reading a few articles I sat and stared into space for a full five minutes contemplating the gravity of this predicament and the possibilities it entails.

There is a college, the Patrick Henry College (PHC) set up 5 years ago in Virginia.

It's mission: to train young fundamentalist Christians to become the next generation of America's cultural and political leaders.

This is coming from a state where the separation of church and state is one of the keystones of American liberty. President Thomas Jefferson who wrote the Declaration of Independence, quoted the First Amendment and made clear his intention to maintain a strict separation between government and religion in federal affairs. In the Bill of Rights, the First Amendment "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."

The college has connections to top politicians (Republican/conservative, of course) and friends-in-high-places in Washington where students would work as interns for upon graduation.

!!!

What is most scary is not just that this college does exist, (and for the past 5 years no less) but that the voters might just be stupid enough to vote for them. Look George Bush has indirectly built a wall between Christians and those of other religions and or those of none but still won the past two terms, voted into office by a country which supposedly values the separation between church and state. Who is to say the students of Patrick Henry College would not be favored with the same ignorance?

In Europe, unlike in America, religious leaders once wielded direct political power. And that is probably explains the EU's reluctance to include religion in their constitution. Is history really going to repeat itself? Haven't the world learnt its lesson the hard way?

In the name of art.

Since there's a new banner, here's an old piece of art. I haven't gotten it touched up. I'm about two years late, four years for the first one on my lower back. My tattoos has been on my body so long sometimes I forget that I have any. So it's nice to see pictures of it sometimes and kinda gush at it since nothing else of my body is worthy of gushing harhar.

Once in a while I like to post pictures with bloopers, usually found in candid shots cause I find it has so much character. Like a someone's face in a guern heh, or some other weird ass expression.

Like this one. I can't think of any appropriate situation in a club where that mouth gesture would be necessary.


Do you see it? My darling in the red shirt :P

My face in the far right. Why oh why was I wearing that expression?! So siao lang.



See the "peace sign" started out well, in good faith. Of course, Mr Tyler is the trendsetter.



But then it got a little out of hand. Hand, haha get it, get it? *snort*



That wasn't so bad since its all fun and games but this one is such a waste because if it wasn't for that busybody rude hand gesture there, it would have been a really cool picture.



Hehe I'm being so petty but this one really annoyed me. In almost 10 pictures there were stupid hand gestures, spoiling otherwise decent pictures.

Bla bla bla. Gah. I think Augusten Burroughs should really write another book. I've read all of his at least five times each and I am in need of another one. Now his books are those which you would ration your reading; each scenario has so much symbolism you want to soak it all in. Though.. symbolicalness would not be a good thing if in excess. If everything was symbolic the world would be in disarray. It's funny how symbolism is probably detected when one thing suggests a few other things which insinuates that its an action involving the harmony of ideas and interpretations. But yet if everything was symbolic there would be a disharmony of everything. It would be mayhem, who would know what is what and who is when and how is where? Sheesh, another paradox, if you could see the symbolism in that.

New banner, new banner!

I had to put it up even though it doesn't really fit properly, yet. This is where Tyler comes in. I love it! I don't usually get excited about things, well apart from CDS and books but this one is an exception. I don't have the expert eye to tell if its good, technically and all that, but its super pleasing to my eye.

I just woke up fifteen minutes ago, it's 1.41am now and though I was groggy, I'm now smiling like some idiot so both Joey and I got what we wanted. Hehe.

Joey is from Huevisualab. He is extremely talented, no? But he doesn't make banners for a living, sorry. Maybe you if pay him a lot a lot of money. Or in my case, I pay him in hugs. Watch out! You're about to get smothered.

But I still don't understand why you picked Vanilla over Chocolate, Eagle. *shrug*

Mum-mum!

I have been cooking for some time now and especially in the last three months where I've been cooking daily. On the weekdays anyway. I go to the SS2 market every other Sunday and the people there are starting to recognize my face and give me discounts! *joy*

But like Ellie said, one day if they start going "Ah Auntie! What do you need today?!" I might just faint. I like "Xiao Jie" very much, thank you.

My kakak helps me cut up the meat, clean the seafood and divide the them into little plastic bags before I take it home so its easier to thaw when I need them in sections. I don't do all the work *sheepish* I re-use the plastic bags.

Anyway, I was feeling a little tired this evening and so decided to cook up something simple. So its back to the basics! Two dishes, Fried Curry Chicken and Potatoes with Minced Pork. Erm yea I named them myself :D

(Yikes I forgot a picture of the chicken marinated with curry powder after the juice part)



I was asking Ham, "Does Onion have an S? If its chopped up there should be an S at the end right? Though I only used less than half an onion" (I'm a terrible English tutor, but my art classes can be pretty cool. nyeh.) and he answered, "An S? Sure, need to shit what." -_-"










Hm..

Yummy yummy king! :P

Top 5 Females.

Thanks to my sister Joyce, and Tyler. I have done the unthinkable. I'm still irritated I can't find pictures of these girls that would do them justice. Bleah.

But of course, Jessica Alba.



Rachel McAdams. So freaking hot in Mean Girls.



Zhao Wei .



Wheeee super cute Christina Milian. She's so cute its argh!



Whatever lah. She damn pretty.


*Phew that was tiring. My sister and I had to think for hours (cause we had nothing better to do while trying to sleep) to find this five. So many others did not make the cut, Charlize Theron and Scarlett Johanssen. O well.

Erm. I feel like deleting this post. Heh.

Powerless.

I feel as though helium has been injected into the spaces between my cells. I feel lighter and also slightly intoxicated.

I walked and I walked. And there is no word for this, I walked. It rained and it rained. It poured over me and my flip flops and they flop and they flop and I'm wet. I cried and I cried and I wept. And there is no sound for this, I cried.

One would expect this ordeal to have a cathartic effect. The tears, the sweat, the rain should take my grief with them as they slip off my skin but instead it is metastasized.

Everybody is sad. Everybody is neurotic. Everybody is unique. Everybody likes Modest Mouse's Float on (those who claims they don't are liars). In this age, everybody is everybody. But I detest the color pink and am so grateful I'm not in that loop.

I am not a 21st century girl. I cannot tolerate cryptic codes of post-modernisation. I have exhausted my means for settling for this timeline. I look at my nails and they are bitten down and chipped. I like that. It shows I have my priorities somewhat in place.

How can I find the balance? Between awareness and ignorance. I want to crawl into the cracks of the walls of ancient times, hide and sleep as time goes by.

It has been four days. I am as articulate as a drunk stumbling about in her own puke. And with as much common sense.

How time can inflict pain, how time can heal. If time is all and God is time, what else is there..

Score?

The only thing remotely close to red wine that I enjoy is probably grape flavoured Vitagen.

No joke, it’s a cultured milk drink.

I’m a classy baby.

...

In a more heavily armed and less tolerant society, someone would have shot me.

But no! Here we revere…

“LAMAMITY!”

Of pages and motion.

I have read many things that moved me. Where words are arranged in such a sequence and I read it over again, the 2nd time out loud, to savor the brilliance of the arrangement. One can choose to read, or to relish, in composition.

Take Harry Potter for example, I read the whole thing four lines at a time, photographic reading. Whereas with Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, I read four words at a time, each sentence, each paragraph, each page, four times and over. There are books which reputations super cede them and when I examine them, I have this fear of suffocation. For fear of swallowing before chewing, I ration my intake, taking slow long gulps in order to submerge the flavor. Comprehending the Nicomachean Ethics was a tiresome task, if a task at all. Three pages and I’m spent.

And now in modern times, we have movies as adaptations of bestsellers. Most movies nowadays are usually based on books but personally, if the book was or is a bestseller, I would not watch the movie if I had yet to read the book. Therefore I cannot understand how some can say “Why read the book, just watch the movie.”

Reading the book is in the vein of watching a movie in your mind, creating your own characters, generating your own panoramas and crafting your own imagery. Opting to watch the movie instead of reading the book is like saying you trust someone else’s imagination more than your own. Either that, or one perhaps, has none or alternative means of spawning creativity. This is just my poison.

I chose not to read the Da Vinci code, for fear of additional qualms. And therefore, I am most definitely not going to watch the movie. It's simply a matter of choice. Most would tell me that it's just a movie, no harm in watching it. Again, matter of choice. I'm not watching a movie just because the Box Office placed it in their charts. I have not watched Mtv nor listen to Hitz.fm or anything on the radio for years simply because it depicts the mainstream trend which in my younger days, I have despised. I have never been a follower. But neither am I not watching for fear of becoming a sheep :D

But, I finally watched The Constant Gardener and Sin City and I am damn glad that I did. Sin City was awesome! I could not take my eyes off the screen. Every second was so freaking compelling.
Speaking of compelling, everyone should watch The Constant Gardener, watch it twice! Just in case. I think it's better than City of God in terms of human interest issues. I cried actual tears. Like five droplets but still.

The Times.

I'm sitting in front of the comp, chatting and blogging. Which all the course of a day, would be very normal for any young adult.

But I also have a knife and a peeler with me.

Along with some ginger, garlic and an onion, all waiting to be peeled and I'm doing it in front of the computer.

I'm moving with the times, yo!

Everything is merging, everything is a fusion.

They now serve Roti Banjir, which is plain roti cut up and drenched in curry. It's basically Roti Canai Orang Malas. First we have people cooking our meals for us, then we have people cutting our food for us. What's next? People to feed us? It's amazing how far we've come and yet how lazy we have become.

All that jazz in school about not spoonfeeding the students. Take a look at what Maslow has shown us, do we really need people cutting our food for us?? Probing into little details of different societies, everything is prematurely stencilled and it's just going in circles, only different things at different speeds.

Or maybe, sadly, its my brain that's wack.

I ogle at my own boyfriend o_O

About the title, we'll get there.

One of the most apparent tags applied to clubbing would be alcohol.

So last Friday at Velvet Underground, it was "Free-flow night", I'm sure the night had some glamour handle like "I am Fabulous" but to us, it was free-flow for two hours and thats all that mattered. Blah of course after a while we realized it was a "I Am Fabulous" night and immediately I felt out of place. Anomie leaned over and said "We so do not belong to this crowd, we're so not fabulous." I laughed and felt at ease at being out of place. I've felt this my whole life harhar. Anyway, our group stood next to the bar the whole time. Anomie realized that if a girl asked for the free drinks at the bar, it was more efficient so I was the designated "orderer".

Anomie: Go go get more drinks. Get two, just in case (Russell Peters imitation).
He must have repeated that line to me at least eight times.
Me: We are so kiamsiap.

Then there were chocolate covered strawberries circling the club and I, the glutton, whalloped as much as I could. *YUM* Actually the strawberries weren't so good so it was more like I was biting the chocolate off the strawberry and tossing the remains away.

We are so kiamsiap. The kiamsiapness had UnkleBus and Sab laughing all over the place the whole night. We did not move away from the bar even though there was people bumping into us all night. It was so convenient. I've never seen Anomie so happy. "Shit it's the good Vodka! It's bel-WhateverIcannotPronounce"

So there we were, I was happily feeling out of place when Anomie leans over this time to say "My hand was in between the sofa and some girl's ass. She was resting her ass on my hand."
As Strwb said, "You should have said excuse me, pon pon (squeeze squeeze*)"
That made me laugh so hard I banged into Ham's drink and spilled it over his shirt *teehee.

Midnight came. "No more free stuff ah? Let's leave lah." We headed over to Mainroom where Judge Jules was spinning. When I first saw the Melbourne shuffle back in Atmosphere times, Rachel and I thought "It looks terrible! Like some warped version of a chicken flap dance." But then Anomie said to me "Did you know that Ham taught people to shuffle? Ask him to teach me!" and persisted in calling Ham his "guru". (Reminder: Dorothy story for another time*)

Ham started shuffling about five years ago back in Melbourne and stopped about two years ago. But as I watched him shuffle (after badgering him to do it for me), he looked so adorable! So cocky! That swaggering stare! He even incorporated my Alice in Wonderland moves into his dance. I loved it! I was giggling like a lovesick idiot while gawking at him. Now I know how a pre-teen would feel at a Westlife concert. So excited! I could just stand there and watch him all night. (Okay this is where I should shut up)

Chemicalboy saw me watching Ham and he said to me "Shuffle together la!"
I stared at him, "I will never be able to do that. I am more a bump and grind girl." (Sounds so salah)
And then he said to Ham, "You didn't teach her??" and turned to me and said "He taught me you know! Years ago, he taught me!"

I would have never known. Ham has many well kept secrets. Including being hillarious at the wrong times.

Sometimes he'd be staring at me while I'm talking and I'd get all flustered, blush furiously and start stammering.

And suddenly..

"B.b! There's vege stuck in your teeth! Wait stop talking let me get it out first."

Inane both ways.

I went shopping and bought

C.S. Lewis: The boy who chronicled Narnia, a biography by Michael White.
50 facts that should change world by Jessica Williams

There were about thirty books from Military History and Warfare I wanted to ravage, twenty others from Non-fiction I needed to inhale, and about ten more under Current Affairs I’d pawn my clothes for but I could only afford two. The misery.

My sister Joyce said “Yer che why can’t you just spend your extra money on clothes like other normal people? And even if you don’t on clothes you spend it on books? That’s just damn weird la.”

Well because my mother still buys my clothes. And my dad is damn picky with books that he allows me to read. He’s still upset that I bought Karl Marx’s Selected Writings myself after he had said no and hid it under my bed.

It’s alarming. It really is.

There are 44 million child laborers in India.
Four years ago when I started keeping up with the UN International Labor (ILO), they seemed to be doing a pretty good job but hell, boycotting Nike and other brands for half a decade isn’t enough. Maybe I should start making my own clothes. But then I’d still have to worry about where the fabric came from, if a child working in a dangerous environment with bleeding fingers was a victim of this freaking cloth.

Ten languages die out every year.
That is insane! Mel and I were just working on an assignment on globalization and yes cultural identities die out as a side-effect of the gradual evolution of our species and yes universal communication has its benefits but ten languages a year… That’s a steep price to pay. I love the fact that I can speak Hokkien. For those who can speak it, you know what I mean, Hokkien can be si beh funny when used appropriately.

There are at least 300,000 prisoners or conscience in the world.
Now this just pisses me off. Declaring your beliefs and practicing your religion is subversive? And for that you go to prison? Cowardly governments. A strong and confident government may not like its critics, but it should be able to withstand a healthy public debate. The right to be who you are and express what you feel is one of the most fundamental of human existence, how can that right be revoked?

There are 300,000 child soldiers fighting in conflicts around the world.
WHAT THE FUCK? What kind of unscrupulous and downright SICK government/army would recruit children? They are forced into too, sometimes forced to kill their own families in order for them to emerge “stronger”. In some cases, the children are told to murder and cook the flesh of their victims and then eat them. I couldn’t stop crying while reading this report. I must do something.

Nearly 26 million people voted in the 2001 British General election. More than 32 million votes were cast in the first season of Pop Idol.
Oh my. THE SHAME.

I think I should stop now, or I’m gonna work myself into a heart attack.

Mumsey.

For Mother's Day I bought my mom a whole bunch of red helium balloons and another larger one which says Love you Mum. I also got her her favourite candy, some nougat thingy I used to see her chomp on when I was younger.

But when I walked into the house with the balloons I was bombarded by the kids. Esther was wailing "Da jieeeee you didn't buy this for me on MY day!", Han Yang was trying to climb up my leg out of sheer excitement and his sister Si Qi was giggling nonstop.

I almost forgot how it feels to be surrounded by children: purposeful.