The last crisis.

The last time my soul was shot to pieces I listened this song on repeat. And then I made Rachel download it. She played it 67 times on repeat after the first time she heard it. Listening to this song then was like having sonnets bellow out from your insides, like a priestess reading aloud the contents of your belly, innards and wishes trickling down the sides of your body.


I wish I could surrender my soul;
Shed the clothes that become my skin;
See a liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I'd screamed out loud,
Instead I've found no meaning.


I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.


I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.
I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
I wish I would save my soul.
I'm so cold from fear.


I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.


Tears and rain
Far, Far away;find comfort in pain
All pleasures the same: it just keeps me from trouble
Its more than just words; its just tears and rain


James Blunt - Tears and Rain

It must be my heart.

The awesome twosome (Ellie and Pellie) joined Sor Ham and I for dinner tonight. A happy glow fell upon us as Ellie recounted her "settlements" with the bridal gallery. Too bad we're not KMKS-ing tonight, guarantee good trip. Another trip to the set of Mulan please.


Jason's birthday this weekend. The technicolor gang has been allocated a room to themselves thanks to Tyler ;) Guess it's time we moved the magic out of BUS and KMKS and onto a new realm. Mr.Fono, time to go skiing again! :D


Also, it's my baby sister Esther's birthday this Sunday. I'm the party-planner ;) Gotta convince Sor Ham to play the clown to entertain the children.
*dies of cuteness.

The only man so far who could inspire me to sing along to Jeremy Jackson's Right Kind Of Love from Beverly 90210. He's gotta be somethin' ;)


It's been a long time since I've properly "spoken" to Ray and Mel. Though it was on MSN and all three of us stuck in three different states/countries, it felt great nevertheless. I'm fueled once again. I miss you both every day. And everytime you bitch about the weather or the workload, or even mention being homesick, I will say "Come home!" I really can't care less what you would leave behind there. I'm the one left behind. But I know you have not gone on without me. We are still walking the same pace <3

I miss you too Ray, I'm out of credit :( COME HOME.

I'm listening to The Strokes' First Impressions of Earth. Again.


But I am humming tunes from Is This It.


I'm trying my very best to punch The Strokes' First Impressions Of Earth album into the part of my brain labelled "LOVE" along with its partners' Is This It and Room On Fire but it's regurgitating:



I didn't take no shortcuts
I spent the money that I saved up
Aw mama runnin' out of luck
Well like my sister don't give a fuck
I wanna steal your innocence
To me my life it don't make sense
Your strange manners, I love you so
Why won't you wear your new trench coat
-Barely Legal: The Strokes.

HOWWWWWWW..(LS)

I'm getting into the habit of using parenthesis' again. Gotta love em'. Both the noun and the adjective alike :D

Bubblegummers.

Are boyfriends like bubblegum to us?


When they lose their sweetness we spit them out.


I could never continue to chew on the same piece of gum after the taste had run out.


Or maybe when we're younger, clad in Bubblegummers (as its name so implies), it was all about the sweetness. And now that we've grown up a little, it's about the fun of chewing. At different phases, our purpose(s) switch.


I'd like to think I'm a little more grown up now.

White horse on tapas.

Okay, that didn't sound right. But either on its own were gewds (quote UnkleBUS). Pear and Ellie came to pick me up and we headed straight to La Bodega to meet the rest. The men all had their alcohol while Ellie and I had ice lemon tea and pink guava respectively. We are good girls. No substances thanks. Not yet at least :)


Let's see, we ordered lamb meatballs, tiger prawns, buttons mushrooms, fu yong egg okay kidding, spanish omelette, more tiger prawns, chicken in olive oil, garlic and dried chillis and err a few other dishes I forgot. Oh yea, a miserable cutlet of lamb in mayo and er something. Damn it I'm bad at this. I can't write articles, my memory is super selective. I can't remember nouns :D


But I remember Tyler, Aran, Jeevan and I laughing like mad hyenas throughout dinner while Ellie, Pear, Joey and Joey's cousin had a serious conversation about er serious stuff. First Aran and Tyler could not stop teasing me about the session the week before. Wholeeeee night I had to listen, on repeat,

"It's so sexual lor" (HAHAHAHA)
"It's so big! Why so big!"
and "Hi Fridge, I heard you can talk! *silence* Oh lansi la now, fine. *slams fridge door.



And then the tables turned and it was Aran and I doing recaps of Tyler's "I'm so ghetto! I'm here with my dawgs" and his romeo and juliet scene with Natalie Portman, or so he says.


Somehow everything we talked about during dinner was fucking funny. Tyler and Jeevan came up with so-called Mensa questions to test the rest of us and Tyler ended up as Young Buck after posing as 50cent the half hour before.


??? Something's too right with us. When everything is funny, you know you're with smart people :D HARHAR.


After dinner we headed to KMKS where the magic took place once again..


By dawn on Saturday I was home back in darling's arms :P and the rest of the day was spent recuperating. Well, at least it was for Ellie, Pear, Sor Ham and I. The rest were at Velvet. Like the awesome twosome we too stayed in, cooked our own meals, caught up with the two latest episodes of Lost and The OC.


So today's Sunday. Tyler came to pick Sor Ham and I up to Pyramid where there is a Bridal Fair. I happily bounced around snapping pictures of Ellie and Pear while they were speaking to various bridal galleries. I noticed several Ah Piaus shamelessly gawking at Ellie from stairs above her. She is looking at wedding pictures! She's getting them taken soon! She's off the market ;) But appreciate beauty all you want, see no touch ar.


And now I'm back home, Soe Ham playing DOTA. *snore. Time to harass him while the game is getting good. Hm or accidentally trip and unplug the PC. It's quite exciting to watch him get angry and when I look at him, eyes open as wide as I could looking as scared as a rabbit trapped in headlights while his face softens and he goes "It's okay, just a game. What do you wanna do now?"


Yay :D


PS: I'm only calling him Sor Ham because he's calling me Sampat. Hopefully, the sooner the better, we'll come up with better nicknames for each other because these ones are beginning to grow on me o_O

A petulent blase air.

Thanks Paul, I nicked these from your blog :D



Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with?
yeah, as often as we both like.


What would you do with 1000 plastic spoons?
mail them to alanis morrisette.


What kind of music did you listen to in elementary school?
mariah carey & color me badd but my first casette tape i bought was one of the scorpions'


What is the best thing about your current job?
not having one :D


Do you wish cell phone etiquette was required?
not something i'd waste a wish on.


Are you against same sex marriage?
not at all.


How have you been in the past week?
murderous yet delightfully comical. ceh..


Where are you going on your next vacation?
bora-bora. cause i like its name so much. exciting like a deadly disease.


Quote a song lyric.
in the clutch of talking every word for all the boys. electric girls with worn down toys.


Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
mostly old and gratefully, some new.


Do you own any furniture from Ikea?
should have.


Do you like your parents?
love them.


What state/country are you from?
petaling jaya.


Tell us about the last conversation you had?
with the mirror


hahaha *does the auntie
hahahahahaha * does the auntie with the mouth open wide
hahahahahahahaha * does the auntie with mouth open wide and finger pointing outward
hahahahahahahahahahaha *does the auntie with mouth wide open, finger in slow jabbing motion with the "dip"


*says to self, turning away from the mirror*
eh imagine ivan or tyler doing it again.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


no no imagine perry doing it with aran's glasses!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. *crazy*


Where do you see yourself in one month?
exactly where i am now.


What is your favorite smell?
purple haze ;)


What is the time and the outside temperature at the moment?
9.01am/howthehellwouldiknow


Have you ever done anything vindictive to your co-workers?
no but i have to several students :D


Have you ever gone to therapy?
as a formality.


Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?
yes.


Have you ever Toilet Papered someone's house?
no.


Have you ever liked someone but never told them?
yes. crushes are fleeting.


Have you ever gone camping?
yes.


Have you ever had a crush on your sisters friend?
hell no! that would be wrong in three different ways.


Have you ever had sex on the beach?
no, later crab bite my there.


Have you ever had a stalker?
yes, they were really good stalkers too! i never found out -_-"


Have you ever gone skinny dipping?
no, later ikan bilis bite my there.


Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?
no, but i've laughed so hard i threw up.


Have you ever gone to a party where you were the only sober one?
no but i've been to a party where i'm the only one au naturale.


Have you ever been cheated on?
i really wouldn't know.


Have you ever had sex with one of your Myspace friends?
??? later they bite my there. hahahah okok stop.


Have you ever felt betrayed by your bestfriend?
yes 9 years ago, but i saw it coming.


Have you ever lied to your parents?
did the captain of the titanic cry?


Have you ever been to the US?
yes, the east coast.


Have you ever thrown up from working out?
i wish.


Have you ever gotten a haircut so bad that you wore a hat for a month straight?
no, i'm thick like that.


Have you ever eaten 3 meals from 3 different fast food places in 1 day?
no. they really really fuck up our ecosystem. more than should be allowed rationally.


Have you ever gotten so wasted you didnt know what was going on?
once a week :D hello fridge! ooohh..the air is blue and yellow. eep! why so big one!


Have you not realized what you had until you lost it?
no.

This is ridiculous.

You have a sexual hidden talent You have a sexual hidden talent. You might not look it but you are a dynamo in bed. Most of your lovers think that it is from years of practice, but really, you were just born with it. Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

What the F.

I LOVE THIS.

Stella Oo -- [adjective]: Smells like teen spirit 'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com

That's right! All my talk about marrying Kurt is beginning to harvest some signs!
*whoop.

thesurrealist.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Stellaboo!

1. Stellaboo is the world's smallest mammal!
2. Stellabooocracy is government by stellaboo.
3. In the Great Seal of the United States the eagle grasps 13 arrows and stellaboo!
4. Stellaboo can jump up to sixteen times her own height.
5. The canonical hours of the Christian church are matins, lauds, prime, terce, sext, none, stellaboo and compline.
6. Early thermometers were filled with stellaboo instead of mercury.
7. Stellaboo never said 'Play it again, Sam'!
8. A rhinoceros horn is made from compacted stellaboo.
9. Scientists have discovered that stellaboo can smell the presence of autism in children!
10. Without its lining of stellaboo, your stomach would digest itself!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

No.1 is got on my nerves a little.
And surely some would say to No.4, that's not very high at all! Hax mou.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Laboo!

1. The opposite sides of laboo always add up to seven.
2. Laboo is the oldest playable musical instrument in the world!
3. 99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as laboo.
4. Laboo can live for up to a week without a head!
5. Laboo is the last letter of the Greek alphabet.
6. The first domain name ever registered was laboo.com.
7. The only Englishman to become laboo was Nicholas Breakspear, who was laboo from 1154 to 1159.
8. If you drop laboo from the top of the Empire State Building, she will be falling fast enough to kill before reaching the ground.
9. Fifty-two percent of Americans drink laboo.
10. If you chew gum while peeling laboo then it will stop you from crying!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

The coincidence in No.3 is almost freaky! But I'm thinking its a good sign since Halloween is my favourite celebration. With costumes and candy, really what more do you need?

By the way Fye, read No.8 and apologize for the many times you preached otherwise. Pei hai.

Elle, check your No.3 <3

Oh, and I can't help it.

Ten Top Trivia Tips about The technicolor gang!

1. There are 336 dimples on the technicolor gang.
2. If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn into the technicolor gang.
3. The fingerprints of the technicolor gang are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.
4. The technicolor gang are the only king without a moustache on the standard pack of cards!
5. Europe is the only continent that lacks the technicolor gang!
6. The ace of spades in a playing card deck symbolizes the technicolor gang!
7. The National Heart Foundation recommends eating the technicolor gang at least three times a week.
8. Two thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in the technicolor gang.
9. The technicolor gang were first grown in America by the grandmother Maria Ann Smith, from whom their name comes.
10. The technicolor gang were banned from Finland because of not wearing pants!

I am interested in - do tell me aboutherhimitthem

No.10 probably applies to only one of the technicolor gang members, quite the "romeo" one. Pear you saw the whole thing. Should we vote? :P

No bread tonight.

Instead, I'm eating Nutella by the spoonfuls.

Stoinked, yet again.

Shit my england in the previous post damn retarded. Hahaha, overload on the greens. Probably why I was so so so so so in love with the geek in the pink last night. Madness.


Just heard the live version though and it's not too bad but can't compare to the album version.


It's Week 7 and I only just got my timetable this afternoon. I have 3 assignments to hand up by Friday.


2 things in the past 2 days made me wish for a second that I was born a guy.


a) The geek in the pink song, because I think I'd make a good guy geek. As a girl I'm plain and boring inside out. But as a guy I could triple my lameness and come out cool. I might have a shot to be cool, or l33t muahahaha.


b) Pete Tong's It's All Gone. Frankie Wilde's attitude and sub-conscious charm (yes its charm to me) and Paul Kaye's face is a match made in heaven. If I were a guy, I'd wanna be just like him. Except for the imaginary-bear-as-friend when he's high part. I'd have better trips than that. I just have to somehow cut out the "eek eek eek!" thing some people claim I do.


Last semester there were 2 guys on my "List".

Oshi was Number 1 cause he had long small dreadlocks which he cut off himself only to due it bright neon pink on one side and tattooed the rim of his left ear. Though also a stoner, his eyes are perpetually wide open and he's got the most adorable crooked teeth encased by the sweetest cheeky smile *melts. He's Indonesian with a Japanese mom. He wore a straw hat to school last semester. Yeah exactly the one farmers wear in the sawah padi, wide brim with the a string under the chin and the RM2.40 blue and white pvc toilet slippers. Unironed shirts never looked so good.

He also had a good friend, Risky. Risky is Number 2 on my list and is always walking around in a blur, his jeans a little too short for his height (ah 6' is good) and narrow around the ankles. He wears thin white hotel slippers to school and ties his hair in a short frizzy ponytail. They also carry sling bags (brownie points). Both are usually seen (or spotted in my case) together and I secretly look forward to exchanging hellos and either one would ask a weird random question like "Do you know you got paint on your shoes?"


*swoons.


But somehow any girl I'd point them out to would say "Are you serious Stel? That guy?!" or something crazy like "Looks like they live in a hut." What the. That's a fucked up thing to say.
One time, Willy said

Don't la so mean.

Huh? Mean?

They may be weird but don't make fun of them la.

Oi I'm serious la! I have got massive crushes on those two.

Yer! Really ar?!

-_-

Today Sila told me that Oshi lives in Cyberview Lodge. As in Cyberview Lodge Resort and Spa. The cheapest rate for a room is Rm750 ++ per night o_O
Not because of the money but the fact that they can come off so friendly and humble, I like them even more.


Okay better stop before my boyfriend gets jealous. But dearest, I like you best. You wear transparent flip-flops and still look hot ;) Mine are polka-dotted.

My first pink.

I've never liked anything pink or anything associated with pink or even the artist pink or the word pink.


But Jason Mraz's Geek In The Pink, is by fair the coolest most awesomest pop song I've heard in a long time. And the lyrics are even better than that. The moment I hear the words, its like an immediate effect. Its the closest thing to what I felt the first moment I discovered weed. I was completely sober when I heard it and stoned and pink in the cheeks by the end of it. Few girls I know *ahem (one getting hitched pretty soon) would actually have that distant faraway looks and want to giggle out loud at their other-half who so happens, is a geek.


Well let the geek in the pink take a stab at it
If you like the way I'm thinkin' baby wink at it
I may be skinny at times but I'm fat fulla rhymes
Pass me the mic and I'm a grab at it
Isn't it delicious crazy way that I'm kissin'
Cause baby listen to this don't wanna miss it while it's hittin'
Sometimes you gotta fit in to get in
But don't ever quit cause soon I'm gonna let you in but see


I don't care what you might think about me
You can vibe without me if you want
I could be the one to take you home
Baby I could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be a let down
But sugar don't forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you on
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge me by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away


I'm the geek in the pink pink pink
I'm the geek in the pink yeah


Well this relationship fodder don't mean to bother nobody
But Cupid's automatic musta fired multiple shots at her
Because she fall in love too often that's what the matter
At least I talk about it keep a pattern of flattery and
She was starin' through the doorframe
Eyeing me down like already a bad boyfriend
Well she can get her toys outta the drawer then
Cause I ain't comin' home I don't need that attention, see


I don't care what you might think about me
You'll get by without me if you want
I could be the one to take you home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it sure would be the let down
But sugar don't forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you on
You could be the talk across the town
Don't judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away


I am more than you're thinking
Hey look at me go
From hero to zero
Oh, take it from a geek like me
I can save you from unoriginal dum-dums
Who wouldn't care if you com...plete him or not


So what I've got a short attention span
A coke in my hand
Because I'd rather have the afternoon, relax and understand
My hip hop and flip-flops it don't stop with the light rock
A shot to mock you kinda puts me in the tight spot
The hype is nothing more than hoo-ha so I'm
Developing a language and I'm callin' it my own
So take a peek into the speaker and you'll see what I mean
That on the other side the grass is greener


I don't care what you might think about me
You'll get by without me if you want
I could be the one to take you home
Baby we could rock the night alone
If we never get down it wouldn't be the let down
But sugar don't forget what you already know
I could be the one to turn you on
We could be the talk across the town
Don't judge it by the color, confuse it for another
You might regret what you let slip away


I'm the geek in the pink pink pink
I'm the geek in the pink yeah
I'm the geek in the pink
All y'all geek is the new color for fall


Pop lyrics never came this close to rock.

I want to see the "auntie".

Everyone should get glasses, any kind.


Actually the kind that Ivan has would be the best. Wire-rimmed ones. But the thick-framed punk ones would work too. It could double as a cool pair of glasses during the day and "auntie!" by night.


The mouth action is just too freaking funny. As I told Tyler, "It's fucking funny lo!!"


If everyone had glasses, the world would be a happier place. Cause if anyone was upest of angry, do the 'auntie' and the other person would laugh their brains out.


Imagine if Hitler had seen the 'auntie' everyday of his life, he wouldn't have decided to make soap out of the Jews' body fat. He'd just make everyone do the the 'auntie' continously. Rows and rows of Nazis clad in batik, holding onto a notepad in one hand and a pen in the other, glasses on the tip of their noses and mouths open wide in a 'miang' grin.


I think I'm obsessed. The 'auntie' is just too cool! So cool that no one wants to offer their 'auntie' pic to be posted. Even those who promised *ahem.


Walking past Ivan to get into Velvet would never be the same again. It's a whole comedy routine by memory.

Piece of my mind, unfortunately.

She really thinks she's all that, when everyone is laughing at her behind her back. She's two-faced and thinks that she can twist her way out of every predicament she gets herself into. Well, polishing shoes and ripping so-called witty lines from elsewhere and using them as your own is a trait uglier and far more see-through than your white top with white bra underneath that you presented for the entire club to see.


Does she ever stop to wonder why she is constantly changing friends? She creates political warfare within a circle and weasels her way out of it with tears and finger-pointing. Does she know we convulse in laughter whenever we speak of her? You can't even count the number of people who has shouted in your face or asked you "What the fuck is your problem" (I am quoting a source) with both hands and feet. But hey, more tall-tales to generate to make yourself out to be the victim.


If you lie, you have to keep lying so its no wonder you are perpetually tired. But thumbs up to you because no one else could keep up with you. Tell anyone whatever you want to boost your own sad life and feed off the downfall of others. But guess what, the only one fallen is you. You are nothing more than a parasite but what you should be feeding off should be shit because as far as this life cycle goes, you are way down the food chain. That's how low she is and would stoop to get herself to the "top". To think that you actually asked me to lie for you. Fuck you and spread your disease somewhere else.


She makes everyone out to be an actor or actress in her never-ending drama. She writes as if she uses SAT words in her daily language. Please, ugly say ugly la. If you don't know how to use 'atrocious' in the right context, don't. You are embarassing yourself. I'm not here to argue about semantics but represent yourself whichever way you want, just don't bring others down with you. Last thing we want is to be associated with you so stop name-dropping. If we are asked if we know you, out reflex is to laugh because you are nothing more than a joke. So do yourself a favor and hide under a rock.


She makes as if she's depressed. You are a sad person, you are not depressed. You want pity? You got it. But we are not pitying you because you are depressed. We pity you because you have no idea what it means to be a friend, or to have a friend.


No one wants you in their nest, crow. Whoever does, give them a couple of months (and that's being kind) and we'll all see you with a new crowd to parasite from. History repeats itself when corrections are not made, and in your case you can cry and bitch every time you period takes place because that's when you've pissed another person off.


PS: I'm the 4th or 5th person to blog about you in this manner. No hesitations on my part to jump onto this bandwagon. Go figure why :)

Wahlau eh!!

I’m officially an insomniac.


It used to be sleep at 8am, get up at 4pm.
Don’t ask me how I lucked out that semester. Pure luck.
That was a year ago.


Then it was sleep at 5am, get up whenever there is classes.
Normal.


Then it was sleep at 6am, get up at 10am.
Still alright.


Next it was sleep at 7am, get up at 9am.
Hm.


Now I sleep once every two or three days.
Sleep has become the equivalent of eating bread.
I have bread about thrice a week so that’s about right.



When I do sleep, its when I’m extremely exhausted. It used to be good sleep that way because it works like how drugs do. The less often you partake of it, the stronger hence more satisfactory the high. But my biological clock is now haywire. I try to sleep and I can’t, I am tired beyond belief, my joints are aching but I still can’t sleep. I’m SO tired, I can’t sleep! Every position I try to sleep in is uncomfortable and I end up sitting on the side of the bed, head in my hands, pissed off that I can’t get any rest. It’s unreal.


So yea, admittedly, I got scared and decided to try harder to have some sort of a sleeping pattern.



Tonight:
12am I had cake while chatting with my sister Joyce, ma and daddy.


1am Helped Joyce with her General Paper homework. She just started A levels in Sunway and damn it she’s always outdoing me. 10As for her SPM and now she’s taking five (one more than I did) subjects for her A levels. I am so freaking proud of her. Even though she’s gonna be one of those weirdo Actuarial Scientists :D


2am Chatted on MSN for a while.


3am Read Carl Jung, trying to understand more of synchronicity. As I read I realized I’m linking theories back to Bruer and Frued’s Studies in Hysteria where they recorded this one particular testimony where patients would expose of the present but in another room and later on was able to see parts of the future. And that led me to think about Nostradamus and how he had predicted the coming of Hitler by name (though only missing one alphabet), 400 years before he was born. That of course led to me ponder on one of my favorite subjects, the Holocaust and I’m caught marveling at the sheer fortune of Solomon Perel’s whom as a Jew, saved his own life by disguising himself as an ethnic German and I reflected upon all he had to do and how his heart could have survived such twisted blows.


4.30am I’m lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. Man I’m so freaking bored. I picked up my phone and looked through the sms’ that I couldn’t reply before because I was broke :D


4.45am I replied my ex-classmate Suk Yee. No reply, must be tired after doing homework :D
I replied Jason. No reply, must be tired after work.
I replied Daniella and she replied almost immediately. Scared me a bit when the message toned beeped. Didn’t expect anyone to reply. I just like pissing people off.
I replied Dave. No reply, geeks sleep early.
I replied Harmony and his reply was


IS THIS STELLA? SHIT I LOST YOUR NUMBER. I BLOODY MISSED MY FLIGHT TODAY.
Yup. In caps. And I’m like, why the hell is he shouting at me la.


Then I said “sucks to be you, whats with men and missing flights.”
Actually its just my ex-boyfriends. All 3 of them o_O


5.30am I picked up my old and tattered Chronicles of Narnia, not really reading but studying the illustrations by Pauline Baynes.


6am Still freaking wide awake, staring at the same bloody spot on the ceiling. I can’t even see the spot I’m staring at cause it’s so dark. Damn it, sat on the side of the bed, shaking my right leg in annoyance.


6.15am My phone rang, Harmony.


Hey, guess what I’m doing now.


Playing dota?


Nooo..


Playing the piano? Eh is it even guessable?


Yes, you’d be able to guess.


Err.. clue?


Wait, the clue is coming.


I waited. Nothing also.


It’s kittens! I’m feeding my kittens.


Shit. Almost forgot he used to loveeeeeee cats. The first month we were going out 4 years ago, he would take me to see kittens all the time. Wahlau, who’s the girl now oh :P Scratch that, not just the first month. It went on for a longggg time.


And I ended up liking cats. I hate the idea of enslaving animals. They should all run free. I HATE pet shops, I can’t bear to see animals in cages. I never understood how people would stroll into a pet store and coo at the animals in their cages. Can’t you see they are sad!!? They want to be set free into their natural habitat, not have you make stupid monkey faces at them! That’s all I can think of doing whenever I come NEAR a pet store, run in with a gun and free all the animals, fish included. Actually I think the part with the gun appeals most to me, maybe that’s why I want to free the animals. Okay no, I’m just bored. It’s 6.35 in the morning.


6.36am My dad walked out of the room. He looks slightly dejected.


Hi Daddy, looking forward to Cameron Highlands with the nupsies?”
When I know for a fact he doesn’t enjoy these trips with my mom and her friends and their husbands.


He grunted at me as a reply. Then suddenly perked up.


Hey guess what I have as my phone wallpaper?


I looked, Is that our grapes? Lychee? Longan?


It’s from our palm trees in front of the house. You never noticed our palm trees? Go and look later. To prove it you take a picture of it with your phone camera and MMS it to me.


MMS?! I don’t even know what that is. Wahlau damn lansi ever since his friend said he was tech savvy.


6.45am Harmony called again.


Why aren’t you sleeping?


I don’t sleep much. And I had to be awake early anyway.


What for?


My dad, gotta make sure he goes on this trip with my mom and her friends. He doesn’t like going on these outings, remember?


Of course he doesn’t want to go, he’s a guy.


There are other guys there too, husbands of my moms’ friends.


Well, he’s a real man.


Wah I like that answer!


7am Convinced father of mine to go on trip. Promised him I’d psycho Joyce into taking ACCA instead. I doubt she’d go for it. She can be such a bitch. When she was deciding on a course and college to go to, I suggested


Taylor’s la. Best place to go for Cambridge A Levels.


Please la. Like I want to go to school with a bunch of pretentious kids.


Eh come LimKokWing la. Then you can pretend to be my friend since I don’t have any there.


NO WAY. Over my dead body! I am NOT going to a school filled to the brim with wannabes.


Yeah I know..sometimes I just want to shoot someone. Or everyone.


Stop it with the gun thing.


I’m officially a psycho.


Time to shower and go for Dim Sum with (hey I need a nickname for him, haha CranB? hahahahahha just kidding! siao) him.


Last night he said he wanted to take me for good Dim Sum.
Okay, that’s nice.


It’s in Old Klang Road.
Sure sure let’s go.


Gotta go early, about 8 okay?

Got Dim Sum at night one meh?


In the morning la girl.

O_O

And here’s where I am.

Fucking cheong hei post. Look Ty! Sad sad reading material for you.

My happiness.

My neck hurts from sitting on the couch instead of the usual computer chair while using the computer. I should really switch chairs.

But he's sleeping on the couch behind me with one arm draped across my lap.


My right hand is tired from typing with one hand.

But I can't take the left one off his.


My ears hurt from listening to sappy music and everyone knows I'm overly particular when it comes to good music.

But he happens to like songs as such, hence I can't bring myself to turn off Jackie Chan and Kim's Endless Love.


My left thigh and calf is sore because his arm is a little heavier than I'm comfortable with.

But I'm not moving a muscle because I have never felt more at home.


It's a funny feeling, where an enormous weight has been lifted yet the calm feels thick and the glow falls dense.

Thrown for a loop.

He feels me stirring in my sleep and instinctively holds me tighter. I turn the water on and he is awake. With his eyes half-closed he takes my hands, a gesture to convey his participation. And there we both sat, in the dark, him staring at me while I stared at nothing.


When flesh is born, it is sin as soon as it enters this world. Blessed with freewill, we are bound to make one wrong decision and tell one lie too many, scream rebellion at a parent in a holy hour or steal a wicked glance into the immoral.


A propaganda that burnt bridges from the future, an upheaval that resounded through ma’s heart, an indulgence too difficult to turn the other cheek.


And I want to say that trudging through this mud has been a great experience and that I’ve come out stronger and all that crap. But I’m broken on the inside, worry eating me alive and anxiety gnawing on my veins.


I sleep at 5am. Three hours later I’m rubbing my eyes and pulling on my hair. My nose starts to itch and I couldn’t help but wish I had something I could hurl across the room. I want to scream and scream and scream and scream till I could not scream any more and feel any less. Remnants of my life is spinning around me but I wish they would just fall to the ground and shatter my burdens.


My hands are twitching. I want nothing more than to chuck my laptop out the window and take pleasure in watching it smash merrily. But I cannot afford that luxury. I would just have to post this and rationally take my hands off the keypad after I turn on another 213 song.

I like it messy.

Damn it.

I was coloring something for Rachel and ink smeared on my fingers and I didn't know. Then I scratched my eyebrow.

And then I touched my nose.

For 10 whole minutes I was wondering why Ixi the cat is staring at me for the past half an hour.

Tyler said to blog 3 times a day.

I found my old Cambridge A levels Yearbook when I was class president and re-read the Student Council segment. Damn I gave the cheesiest answers at the interview with the yearbook editor. I quoted Gandhi when they asked why I ran during the election.

Elections are fun. I remember meeting a lot of cool people. My vice-president and right hand man, both in the student council and my personal life at the time, Harmony, was and still is a great friend and will always somehow be dear to me. My treasurer Andrew was one of the sweetest yet uptight guys I've ever come to known and I miss having him around. He could pull your head off and screw it back on tight. Now Suan Mei, my Secretary was the biggest asset and encouragement to me, in more one way. Her link is on the left there, she is now the sole Asian writer on the University of Melbourne’s official magazine, RAGE. Jayaram who at the last minute pulled out from the election and donated all the votes to me, the coolest vegetarian I met during college. It was the hippest feeling having someone come up to you and ask "So, what is the manifesto for your campaign?"

Election week was so much fun. I wore orange every day of the week and I made all my party members and supporters wear orange too. There was the orange juice we handed out to "secure" votes and then there was the orange sweets, mandarin oranges and our 16 feet banner across Taylor College's front building.

Oh and the time I had to interview the new class presidents when I was about to step down and there was this one guy, Jesse I think his name was who paraphrased Hitler's ideologies during the interview and while the counselors looked slightly baffled, I was impressed and gave him full marks for that segment. I'm biased like that.

Overall, I think my time at Taylor College wasn't all that bad. I was definitely productive even though the Vice Principal hates me and claimed that girls who came to school in spaghetti straps are bound to fail. Hah, should have seen the look on her face the day our results came out. Classic.

I found more pictures.

Ha-ha, his face quite koyak here.

Jourdang is always fun to have around.

Especially when I'm bored at home.

Eep, did.not.sound.right.

Alicia and Elle sandwiching me.

Again, sounded salah. Sorry.

Hmph. He didn't take any pictures with me all night but I stumbled across this one on Multiply. With two other girls! One I like, the other I don't. I'm so annoyed because of the latter :P But I think he looks cute in this pic so I'm posting it. Please please, don't let this new venture turn me into a bimbo. Being with him is turning me into a Boyz II Men song. Listening to their songs too! Help!

A jumble of ATB & Tiesto.

I don't know what this is.

But I know what this is :D

This is my life, its not what it was before.

And then I looked up at the sky

And saw the sun

Oh the way that gravity pulls on everyone.

Overall, I'd say that if the Technicolor Gang wasn't around I'd have left in 15 minutes. But with them around it was worth the heat and the trouble. These are the people I can take me with anywhere I go. And I would be lying if I said a certain someone didn't make a difference to the scenery.

Re-tart

Fye is an idiot. He told me that someone (who used to be significant) asked him if he's got a new girlfriend. That's just odd because you don't really ask someone like Fye that kinda question. It's just weird.

So anyway I told him that a friend of that someone probably saw him with a girl somewhere alone and assumed that he's got a new girlfriend.



Fye: But I haven't been out with just a girl in a long time. At least since Rachel left.


Me: ... I. AM. A. GIRL.


Fye: Not in my book you're not.


Me: Yea yea just your book, not other people's books, tard.


Fye: You have a pussy and balls.


Me: You have a pussy but no balls.


*grin. I won :D

...

Fye: Phew, good luck to those "other people".

A mournful optimist

My mother is a pragmatist who believes in grand gestures if it comes as a duty expected of a mother, a wife, a sister, and a child. That might have implied that she is erratic and biased. In turn, this would insinuate that she is an oxymoron, per se. But the most beautiful things in this world are.. as I have come to realize.

When I was younger, barely a teenager, I had fears of the supernatural. For months, every night I was convinced that there was a ghoul outside of my bedroom window who was waiting for me to sleep so that it could capture me to torture me. One night I scared myself so badly, I burst out of my room sobbing wildly as I retraced my fears to her. Her reply was “Go back to sleep, the more you talk about it or think about it, it will catch you tonight while you are sleeping!”


I looked at her in terror and then quietly walked back to my bed, not sleeping a wink and heartbeat racing for the next four hours or so. Today, I have no fear of the supernatural. In fact, at times I feel as if they fear me for some reason. Back then, she would whip me with one of the three canes she keeps on top of the fridge and I would scream for dear life (my father) and after I was beaten and put in a corner I'd weep and she would say "Why are you crying? I'm not dead, your mother is standing here. You have no reason to cry. Stop crying or I will whip you again."

I am an optimist, but to a fault. I refuse to see danger when driving at 150km/h, I reject the philosophy of the “vicious cycle” and scorn the suggestion that smoking could lead to lung cancer which in turn, leads to death, as such.


My mother, in all her strange and odd ways, has blessed me with sight to the harsh reality of life. That in life, there is death and you can't sugar-coat that cruel fact of our existence. She does not believe in grieving for something that cannot be reversed, but she asserts that if something can be done, you do whatever you can. As severe as her methods could be, she has constantly been bracing me for the worst. Life is unkind as she knows it and my mother has unknowingly provided me with armor, just by being the way she is. Just as there is death in life, there is pain in love (not quoting Ja Rule -_- suburb boy).


She preached that to love is to be in pain, and to be alive is to be aware of death as it may come as a surprise. What I see in my mother is that she loves life to death, and because she loves most, she is made aware of pain.


I, her first child, am a part of this life she loves and in turn, I cannot escape from causing her pain. Irregardless, a mother’s love is beautiful, as love is, as life is beautiful, for to love life to death, is to live.

And that is why it's never, "to be the editor to the the fashion-est whatever-est magazine" or "to have made millions by twenty-five" or "to own the biggest most powerful whatever" or "to have had fifty different hairstyles by fifty. It's much closer to home.

I want to be a great mom.

Everything is broken.

Broken bottles, broken plates,
Broken switches, broken gates,
Broken dishes, broken parts,
Streets are filled with broken hearts.
Broken words never meant to be spoken,
Everything is broken.
Seem like every time you stop and turn around
Something else just hit the ground
- Bob Dylan



I don’t know if I’m awake because I can’t bear another minute of tossing and turning or because I’m simply afraid of sleep. I don’t like the idea of being completely vulnerable, an easy target to whatever forces I can’t explain. Even when there is nothing left, I continue to look for that sense of nothingness. If I’d stopped for a minute, stop smoking and drugging, stopped chasing and fleeing, would this heaviness be lifted? In my heart I knew it probably wouldn’t, that this is bigger than me.


At 3am actual pain started to kick in. I curled up in a fetal position on the bathroom floor and grimaced audibly. It hurt from all sides, my back, my chest, even my shins. A sense of nausea took over and I begin to heave. After throwing up several times in that half hour, I curled up, bent my knees and pulled my thighs to my chest, bunching myself up behind the bathroom door. My throat was raw and I desperately needed a drink of water but I reached out and lit a cigarette instead. The hot flashes of excruciating pain were infuriating and I thought to myself I am definitely getting punished.


I wasn’t going to move. I’d wanted to see how painful it would get, how far whatever would go to torture me, how much I could take. Because maybe this physical pain gave me a bizarre, creepy sense of relief, maybe because I felt I deserved it. But in the next 2 hours the headache got tiresome so I picked myself up off the floor, got up, and looked for my phone. Without thinking twice I sent a text to Fye asking him to call me if he was awake and that I needed to see a doctor urgently. He called within 15 minutes and in another 15, he had picked me up and we were on our way to the nearest 24 clinic.


So now here I am, after getting a jab, a variety of not-so interesting looking pills and test results to dread, blogging. You would think that after breaking out in cold sweat for the past 6 hours while cringing and whimpering, one would take their medicine and unquestioningly head to bed. But I have too many questions, too unpleasant to bring to bed with.


Here I am, the medication at my side, and I’m wondering if I should take them. In fact, I don’t know why I allowed the doctor to administer the jab if its objective was to ease the pain. Truth be told I don’t want to feel better physically, because it would only make me feel worse when it comes to everything else.


The funny this is, I’m not alone. I’m sure there is one other person out there who would have the same thoughts running in her head. And it’s even funnier because I worry for her, as I’m sure she is worrying for me. Even with this shrewd knowledge of each other’s black wave we can’t do anything but to watch the other sink deeper. As much we want to yank each other out of this, I guess we know that the force in the median might just be too strong for us to handle. Hence, two people who hate change. Change means adapting, and how would we adapt when we are never even comfortable in our own skin, to begin with?


So the question is, how long can we stay, in different countries no less, in this miserable détente?

Mind-field.

If my pain had a purpose, it would probably hurt less. I know where I'd come from and I know how I got here, but not knowing why I'm still here when I have everything a person would need is extremely ungrateful of me. In fact, it's almost just being a plain drama queen.


The worst part is, depression is such a fucking trend. Every girl around the corner wants to wear this dark persona, each one wanting to out-depress the other. I hate trends, I never follow. Now how did depression become such an attention-seeking tool? Every girl wants to be the “It” girl. If you’re not the “It” girl who has a crazy nightlife and mingle with the “in” crowd, then go left wing (not that it is anymore) and wear this morose personality and hope that it makes you more of a person just because you chose not to be from the other group.


My symptoms tell me that I'm on edge of turning into one sad girl. My father tells me I need help and that my “hippie” phase is not funny anymore. My mother cries because I jolt out of sleep screaming for help. My roommate thinks I'm an alien because I either sleep once every two or three days or sleep for hours on end. My sister told me I'm a freak.


Is this possible? Have I become one of those girls because my parents tell me that I am? Why do they fail to see the normal functioning being that I am? I may not be the touchstone of sanity in our society but I hold down my responsibilities, have a disciplined moral conscience, do my laundry, finish my homework and cook my own meals.


But it seems it’s not what I am, it’s what extras I have, hence what I am too much of. From there I could see that limitations are being set. Instead of being told to shoot for the moon, I am being told to tone down and to behave like a normal young adult. These limitations should guarantee extreme perspicacity. Instead, because daddy is pushing me to speak to a professional, I’m misplaced, not knowing where I’ve made a bad turn.


I am not depressed. Sadness, sorrow and desperation are unpleasant but absolutely common. Sorrow is when I have to watch for my choice of words when speaking to my father. The slightest implication of anything strange could trigger him. Years ago I told him I thought Nixon was a great president and I would have voted for him all three times. An hour later I mentioned that I wished I was born in the 60s, I would have been brimming with purpose. Of course to me it was all wishful thinking but to a father who loves me so unconditionally, I’m crazy.


Sadness is when daddy confiscates all my books on Hitler, Karl Marx and even textbooks which has to do with socio-economics teachings. Desperation is watching mommy break my AC/DC and Misfits CDs, choking on her words, incoherent and red, convinced that rock and roll has driven me to lunacy.


To them, I am a walking minefield. I was sure I wasn’t, until I realized that there are sudden implosions within me and I just want everyone to stay the fuck away from me. At least until I’ve been dismantled.

My long weekend.

Jung's back in da house! Literally :D So we took a long weekend where I lost a few hours of my life.

We went for Ghetto Heaven on Thursday but by 12.30am I was already waiting to leave. Bad enough I had to go in my pajama pants or as some would call it, my golfing pants.

Back in sunway.

Great, another picture to add to my 'I don't remember taking this photo' album. I had no idea I could look so fierce. There is hope yet for me.

While I was out in the jungle, Tyler and Jung decided to be creative.

Saturday night was spent as usual at the KMKS. Elle and Perry waited all day for us to come over, not only because Elle made my fave Tuna Pasta which I didn't get to have because by the time we got there it was 3am and Tyler and I ended up in their playground.

At least I was sort of dressed for the occasion, check Tyler out in his dress shirt and slacks. Classic. I've always known he had it in him to join the 'sohai club'.

Jung and I chillin' on Elle and Perry's newly decorated living room in their new L-shaped sofa which equals new campout spot! Here's to us without any make-up or a shower in more than 12 hours :D No shame.

If you turn off any lights which are on, put on some creepy Josh Groban song and stare at this picture for 11 seconds, we look kinda freaky. Scratch that, looks scary with or without the Josh Groban song. Our moment of fame as Wicked Witch of the West vs Samara Morgan.

Just wanted to say

that Winamp sucks because it didn't let me play a visualiser without me playing a song on it. But my song is in kazaa, how right?

Wah. Pissing me off this Winamp.

You know what's sad?

I'm allergic to saliva.

Mblog.

A few readers of my old blog has mentioned that they prefer my 'old writing style' where I write more of my thoughts and opinions rather than my personal life. Josh even found a page from my old blog and I had a good laugh re-reading it again after so long. Especially ones which include my family, namely my crazy younger sister Joyce.

Here's a few exceprts:


Oct 5, 2004
Thyphoid fever.

Joyce and I are currently online and upon speaking on that fever she once had she said:

Joyce. I've found someone. says:
Persons with typhoid fever carry the bacteria in their bloodstream and intestinal tract. In addition, a small number of persons, called carriers , recover from typhoid fever but continue to carry the bacteria.

Joyce. I've found someone. says:
I MIGHT STILL CARRY THE BACTERIA! MUAHAHAHA

Joyce. I've found someone. says:
scared of me a not? scared a not scared a not *nudges*

Insane.


September 23, 2004

Dadddddyyy

I sent a text msg to my sister last night:

Joyce, tell daddy or mummy that I want a triple yolk mooncake. It's crucial. I need it to survive here.

She replies today saying: I just told daddy. He suggested buying you a double yolk one and giving you a separate salted egg.


My dad, last year I told him I wanted a chocolate cake for my birthday. He bought me a chocolate CUPcake.

When my cousin Jason and I were turning 18, Jason asked his father for a Honda something. I told my dad I needed wheels too. He suggested a mountain bike.


-_-

Not so startling discoveries.

I discovered (due to sheer boredom) that there are a good many pictures that I don't remember being taken. It's funny because I'm actually smiling at the camera in some of them. I've never been much of a picture person hence I should recall them. Hm..

Who is that guy next to us?! This is hard evidence of how gone I was, I don't remember a sweaty, drunk stranger posing with us. And why were we smiling?!

We never pose like this. NEVER. What got into us?! I think Mel, Kim and Jamie rubbed off on us. Those three are born cam whores.

This is the famous Shangri-la picture I don't remember AT ALL. But it sure feels good to know that this must mean the X to the Izzo was workin' it ;)

This was actually candid. Tyler took the picture but none of us remember this! And it so happened all of us had rather questionable facial expressions. Perry wins hands down though, do I spot a guern? Nyahaha.

I look plain deranged here. Rachel and I were taking pictures of each other, simultaneously. But she deleted the one I took of her, bloody cheater-pot.

I uploaded this crazy picture of us having one of our pillow fights in Genting and well.. she really looked like a psycho in this one. Ima post it again so as to illustrate my point. And ray, be grateful that I'm not uploading the video :)

This reminds me the conversation we had after I uploaded that picture:

R: Stel, take that photo down!

S: No, its the one time you emerged victorious remember?

R: Fine, too can play at that game. I'm uploading your 'popeye' pictures.

S: I have 'popeye' pics of you too. Don't try to outbitch me.

R: Stel, I have a whole SHRINE of your pictures. Folders and folders of them. Don't mess with me :)

Fuck.

Actually I just miss my other 'quarters'.

The loves of my life. (Myself included)

Anyway, can't wait to be with the rest of the 'technicolor gang' this weekend! We miss you Mel, we miss the 'perry-scope' and they rest miss the both of us insulting each other throughout the night and I almost miss your pinches, my arms without the bruises just feels a little bare.

Yay! Be seeing you guys real soon. Elle and Perry are getting their furniture this Sat and Tyler and I are planning to put them to good use.

That..sounded a little dodgy.

Cravings.

I'm a little upset with Elle. She's making me eat even when she's not around!

First it was her sandwiches. They were soo soooo good. And I wasn't the only one hooked, Mel had cravings so intense she gave up her so-called 'diet plan' and chowed down a couple at a time. Something I very rarely see her do. And then there's that seasoning. Wahlau its so good I caught Elle's addiction and mixed it into anything I ate.

Last week it was her tuna pasta. It got me running to the 24hour supermarket and buying random ingredients I thought she had used. I came home, stared what my purchases and got to cooking. I actually had a few qualms about my methods of cooking it so I called Elle but she didn't answer -_- so I went ahead and made it the way I thought would work.

It's sitting in the fridge now. In a few moments it'd be judgement..hour.

Stained.

Why did girls always have to watch out for this gross possibility when contemplating the motives of that strange species, the young adult human male?


Actually, I wouldn’t be one of those girls. If that male had unpleasant intentions, I could handle. I’d know what to expect and I’d know how to counter it. But if his intentions were virtuous, I’d be at a loss. Here’s one situation in which I panic. In a matter of months I’ve morphed into someone who is not accustomed to happiness. It’s not like I hadn’t aspired it, I reached out for it and I burnt my hand. Therefore, it is straight-up biology that my brain tells me never to put my hand near it again, ever. Not all pots are boiling water yes yes, but I can’t see beyond the bottom of the kettle see. Even if there isn’t a fire under it, I’m convinced it’s an electric kettle. I have no doubt in my mind that they are set there to hurt me.


This ridiculous fear of mine has dribbled onto other aspects of my life. Now I can’t even hold a hot mug of coffee witbout worrying that it might scorch my hand. Due to my ludicrous, maybe imaginary dread, I stick to cold drinks. I’m okay with not having variety really. I like things the way they are. I don’t want, much less need change in my life. My friends are enough to get me by my whole life. The last thing I need is to feel at a loss over what to think about him, what he thought about me, to discern from what he said and done what he might be thinking about me, where he was hoping things between us to go. I shiver with displeasure at the idea of this giddy happy delight… simply because I know I have done nothing to merit it. I am not deserving of happiness.


I’d be more comfortable with a guy who’d come to me, earnest and forward, and say “I assure you, that I would leave you for no good reason in approximately 6 months and by then I guarantee you, that I have already been sleeping with some other chick.”


That, I can handle because I’ve been there, done that, worn the T-shirt... twice.


I hate the fact that they have left such a mark on me. I hate the idea that I’ve become so cynical when I’ve been dreaming of baby names since I was fourteen. I hate the truth that I am so consumed by my obsession with keeping a distance that I probably am never again, able to trust and love like I know I could. Because I think that I have a lot to offer. But I am broken. All I have to offer are fragmented pieces of myself, so charred the carbon could kill.


And when he carelessly reaches for my hands and speak of the supposed twinkling in my eyes I flinch and back away because I am terrified. Because beyond these eyes there is a dull ache throbbing at the back of my head, from the rivers I’ve cried, the headache never goes away and I’m suffering from a perpetual hangover.


Something precious was set in front of me and in all its glory, by God did I want it. And I had it, but then I became deranged, every word uttered hurts even when its not meant to, every glance stabs, every matter a knife through my wrist. I ceased to be able to see goodness and wicked, all I saw was pain and a dead end for me. All I saw was red. So when I’m offered something real, I run for the hills before it trips me and I fall into oblivion before having my heart torn apart by the seams, pieces soaked in gasoline and set on fire with a cheap matchstick.

Fiona Abigail, I'm here for you.

I stepped onto the campus grounds, perplexed. The buildings were worn out, beaten down by the sun and rain. There were only 6 showers on each floor without water heaters, it was a single shower head sticking out of the wall. The rooms were as small as a prison cells, 3 steps max and you’re on the other side of the room. Everything gave off a gloomy vibe, including me. I sulked and walked toward my first class, Psychology. Though I go home to PJ every weekend, the weekdays were still torture for me. The walk to class is at least 15 minutes under the scorching sun and there was no place really that you were allowed to smoke so the rebel in me had to emerge and I was seen smoking everywhere.

Anyway, I made 3 friends in that class at first, Tim, Andre and Jia (on the left). We were all new and none of us really fit in with the rest of the school’s population. Tim’s take on this is take because we’re both tattooed, everyone avoids our path. Andre is the only white boy in school and he’s kind of an airhead so that’s scary too. Jia however is kinda lost because he was the quietest around us, unless he’s drunk and he didn’t really speak to anyone either. The three of them made dorm life a little more bearable. After a week or two, I made friends with the other girls, the first one being Fiona. Fiona lived one floor below mine so we’d walk to class with the boys. After a month or two I started to feel more at ease living on campus, it was a quiet peaceful lifestyle that I quite liked. Still, “Camp Isolation” would get to me from time to time and hence the weekly visits from Rachel, Arthur, Alex and whoever else that was willing to visit me behind those walls or take me back to civilization for a night or two.

Fiona was a steadfast friend. She was also very accommodating, she obliged MOST of my insane ideas to climb trees and once I almost convinced her to swim in the school pool after midnight in our underwear. She gave me more girl friends whom I treasure very much even till today. Soo Yun was over-protective and was always reprimanding us when we got out of hand (like the time I smoked G everyday at the basketball court) while Nelly was always up to no good, the mischief queen who loves to flirt and loves even more the attention from any male. Living on campus we were like a family, we had every meal together, baths together (in separate cubicles -_-), copying homework from each other and cramming for our exams in the library. Eventually my bad habit started to grow on them, and we’d go clubbing together. I introduced them to the usual people I was with and I wouldn’t say they got along instantly but everyone liked each other.

So you can imagine my dismay to get a call from Soo Yun late one night, my distress to hear sorrow in her voice, the alarm to hear that Fiona was ill, and the misery to find out that Fiona has been diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Imagine how my heart sank when I was told she would have to undergo chemo immediately. Imagine my fury and rage when I did some calculations and talked to some people to find out that her condition would not have reached this stage if a year ago, the fucking stupid and useless doctors at putrajaya would have taken a closer look and figured out that the piece of her thyroid they had removed then was malignant. I am furious.

Please pray for her.

Over the range?

The past few days has been awkward and uncomfortable for me, I’m not sure where I am. The nights where I’ve spent staring into empty streets with blinding streetlights are back to worry my shadows. I look away and felt something on my face; I reach up to find that my fingers are wet. Carrying a grudge is the heaviest load. How many second glances am I allowed, after the many looks behind my shoulders, they are finally slumped in exhaustion.

Rachel is leaving in a few hours. My world feels a little heavier, the two vessels I seek refuge in, and unload my hurting delusions, has finally left me behind (guilt-trip intended). The halo and the pitchfork, the crazywoman and psychobitch (you two can fight over this one, the latter is a much coveted title I know).

I miss you both: It’ll be alright, we’ll be home tonight, I’m coming back home. Is the home really where the heart is? If it is, Stel has divided and is about to conquer certain hotspots of Perth and the quieter areas of Melbourne.

Playlist.

Ever since Pek San bought his Ipod I've been allowed entry into his playlists. I know every song that he has. With Rachel's I was a little more comfortable as half of our songs are usually the same but the other half vividly different. Her acoustics and my live rock. She has less of the hip hop which Pek San and I share.

Anyway it got around to me thinking about my own collection of music. I have always felt violated when someone opens my 'Bleach' CD cover and looked into the booklet and read what i've written in them over the years. The file which I'd cut out pictures and icons from CD covers to glue onto it like a collage.. I feel uncomfortable whenever any one as much as glance at it.

I guess its because my music is my secret indulgence, like a forbidden love. On the other hand it could be all the Mr.Goey's tuition classes I've skipped to use the money on CDs every fortnight in Victoria Music. So it could be, an indirect guilt trip o_O

'You bought a new bag of pot, said let's roast a new start and that's the way to my heart' -Spoon.

Don't forget about us.

Just let it die
With no goodbyes
Details don't matter
We both paid the price
Tears in my eyes
You know sometimes it'd be like that baby

Now everytime I see you I pretend I'm fine
When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best

There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter who you go through
We are one, that's a fact
That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let
The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret it.

Mel is leaving, I am dying.

my wish has been granted. Melanie is levcvong to gol to perth. Byer. mel. meow.l meowl ham ham ham then tiger has been tranqyaulzidjhniuorhvhjio. The last cigarette/.

Arthur: oncer upin A time, there lived a "fearl.ess" female by the name of meow meow.
Fye: And then he saw a land of oppportunity e4



Whatever that was. We Are Crazy. Rachel. Melanie. Stella.
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I love you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you pulled me out of time
and hung me on a line
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
who's in the middle of something
that she doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
who could ever help me
Baby, won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe I'm a lonely girl
who's in the middle of something
that she doesn't really understand
Maybe I'm a girl and maybe you're the only man
who could ever help me
Baby, won't you help me understand
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you're with me all the time
Maybe I'm afraid of the way I leave you
Maybe I'm amazed at the way you help me sing my song
Right me when I'm wrong
Maybe I'm amazed at the way I really need you dk==fucked

Swiss Orange Cheesecake.

This post is in hopes of rekindling my appetite, as well as yours.

Rachel the apprentice, Yankee the Sifu of Cordon Bleu Sydney and Loong his real student. Rachel isn't :D

*Flap flap flap*
Cool machinery.
She got tattoo of stars! I also have! But it's just erm one star hm..it's blue and green though!

Ladida..
Watch the pro. Acting pro.. :P

Damn yeng lor his toolbox. Ppl got "ka-chang" inside he got baknig utensils. What a man!

She's got clouds in her hands.

Boiling the orange/sugar.

Looks like heaven right. The fridge.

Art that's a cake, not a cone. HAHHAHAH.

YUM! The best part. Eating the damn cake. Yum yum yum yum.

The Butterfly Effect.

Maybe the car crash was an alternate and sick form of a meteor shower. I should now qualify to be on the Wall of Weird. Such drastic changes don’t happen this way.
Back then someone told me “This punk and skate chapter you’re in, this rebellion, the refusal to be like the other kids, the radical stances, is all really just a phase you will outgrow.”
I was awfully defensive, even though I needn’t be at the time. My actions were deafening.

My mouth had a brackish film while I spat more glass splinters out of my mouth. Pain shot up my right leg, my right hand, and ricochets’, vibrating to all points over my scalp, like one of William Tell’s shot apples. I looked at my right hand and saw that it was wedged in between the steering wheel and foreign-looking metal parts which were
obviously out of place as I'd hit several trees sideways. I had no choice, I had to yank my hand out hard and fast. I felt my flesh rip a little. Crack, the glass hits my face and arms. But the evil of that madness which led to evil substances has eventually led me to some of the best things, or if I may be more honest, best alliances of my life.

Elle and Perry.
There are a few times in life where the relative merit of a friend skyrockets and in turn has me looking up to them in respect and esteem. Elle has shown me compassion without having me compromise anything that I am and I have grown to want to be more like she is as I mature a little every now and then. Perry has successfully proved to me that wit and intelligence is generally maintained by buoyancy. In his own way he has taught me resilience. It was one of those lessons that made perfect sense in some respects, but was completely bewildering in others. As far as seething melting pots of deference and love go, Elle and Perry are solid. I look up to them in so many ways and I can’t imagine how life would have turned if I had not met them. They may not have made direct modifications in my life, but the standards are set a little higher because seated close to them, hope is burning a little brighter. And through their friendship, another sort of "ship" came into view.

You know, the circumstances that brought him and me together could have been torn from the pages of a teen love book, somewhat typical. But the jolts of happiness in my bones and bounce in my steps got me thinking this isn’t conventional at all. In fact, I’m quite sure this is something very new to me and my heart skips along as the seconds pass.

Yay!

Metaphorically speaking, Pek San can be quite a wank but I love him to death and he will be home soon. Yay for The Return Of The Chigger, my beloved godbrother who will shower me with gifts upon his return.

Cheong Hei.

It all began on the 26th, I went for dinner at Ka Soh with the rest of the gang. I’ve been looking forward to it for a while because I’d be meeting some interesting people for the first time. The food was good and the Lou Sang even better. We made a mess. I’m hoping that would mean that the year ahead would be chaotic and muddled (for me), so much so that I wouldn’t have time to stop and wonder where I’m headed.
Quite ganas. I like. Tyler and Aran were taking the pictures.
Didn't think people as innocent looking as the ones above could be violent "lou-sangers" did you? If that's not a word, I just coined it. You can quote me on that. Muahaha.

This two then maybe-la. OR..
The three unofficial "setanz" of the night? Cannot be. Look at us, aunty there sipping her tea.

In the car on the way, after Tyler had picked Mel and I up, I had an asthma attack which I tried anxiously to relieve. It probably sounded like I was hyperventilating in the backseat. By myself.

We got there and I chugged down as much Chinese tea as I could throughout the dinner. I definitely had a great time despite the agony of breathing. Chatting about nothing in particular to a whole table of people with wit and cleverness is somewhat rare, especially with numerous inside jokes going haywire around the table. At one point, Joey was so extremely comical (although accidental it seems) I laughed so hard I choked. And then I starting coughing whilst laughing, it hurt like a bitch but I realized that this fusion was a lot like life.

After dinner we had a picture taken outside of the restaurant. Whee, vibrant isn’t it. I had intentionally worn an orange shirt to match the plushie that Elle got me. The same orange shirt which my mom said made my arms look twice its size -_-

As we were about to head to our cars, the usual suspects caught each other’s eyes and STP said “Oh no, not tonight.” But the devils were victorious, aren’t we on earth after all. All in all in the past 5 days we visited Jurassic Park for 3 nights, 2 of which were consecutive. The devils switched sides, on the 2nd day STP voiced out her urge for another night. For a split second I thought she was joking, I waited to respond in case she was just teasing and testing rest of us. I waited for the “You guys are terribleeee” but then I caught the glint in her eye. So it was on. The 3rd night however, Aunty Bubbly requested a visit which we quite quickly hehe bought tickets and made necessary arrangements. Aunty Bubbly handled the entertainment bit, I lovedddd her cover of "My Humps".

Of course since Chinese New Year came around we had typical activities which previously, I have to admit, would have been unconventional for us. Elle and Perry picked me up and we went to visit her parents, her grandma and her 2 dogs. You know how I’m usually petrified of dogs? Not Peachy and Tiger. I warmed up to them immediately, didn’t even flinch when Peachy leaped up at me. Woohoo! Quite shiok. We had the best tiny mandarin oranges ever, they were surprisingly sweet and I’ve been craving for them ever since. *hint hint. Hahahaha.

Yesterday Tyler, Elle and Perry came over to my place. After lunch I put on 24, Season 2. One episode and the boys are hooked. Muahahaha. Today, I got to see close friends whom I haven’t seen for a long time and it really made this CNY worthwhile. Edmond and I went for a drink and then back to my house where Pearly and Kevin were also here. Though at home I didn’t get to speak to Edmond much, my dad was hogging him. They were discussing gym business tactics and theories and I had no interest whatsoever to take part in that conversation so I focused on my youngest sister Esther cracking jokes at my expense to Pearly and Kevin. When your 8 year old sister tells jokes about you that could shut you up, you know you’re getting enough attention at home. Spotlight!

Elle, Perry, Tyler and I planned a steamboat which happened earlier tonight. I brought Pearly and Kevin along and another friend Andre came a little later. Tom Yum broth and seafood. Wahlau, I ate till I couldn’t move. Felt close to being in the K-Hole. Gotta blame it on lunch too, I had buffet at Shogun. I overdosed on food today.

Now I’m home..watered and fed. An hour ago I had another asthma attack. I went around looking for my stupid heavy liquid inhaler and couldn’t find it. I walked downstairs, hoping it’d be in the medicine cabinet. I came back up and I’m seated here with my laptop and 2 containers of cookies instead. See, lesson learnt from today’s post. Something as fucked up as an asthma attack could lead to beautiful things. Like this peanut cookie I’m about to devour.